The Father Of My Children in meh...

There’s no bad blood between us, but there is a constant sparring of sorts. He’s so transparent I see through his jive ass like glass. Sings the same song ever since I met him, what he’s “trying” to do. He’s been trying since I’ve known him.

He has a motorcycle, an SUV, and a corvette (albeit it’s raggedy and ugly). He told me once that he likes “lavish things”, but just like someone that ain’t never had shit, he runs it into the ground, because he ain’t never had shit. He also constantly talks about what money he doesn’t have. But these are the things he has.

Anyway…

He doesn’t pay the $225 in monthly child support he’s supposed to. He pays anywhere between $50-75. He grumbles about Christmas, calling it a pagan holiday, “you know I don’t trip off stuff like that…” I’m thinking around 2005 he felt this way because he doesn’t have a job, a real job that he can earn steady money from so he’s always “broke” and therefore, because he can’t buy a lot of gifts and be the hero of Christmas or birthdays, or Easter, since we naming shit, he just feels the need to shit all over everyone elses good time.

There is a saying out in these streets “you knew he wasn’t shit when you got with him” and to that I say NO ONE knows that someone isn’t shit until they spend significant time with them and by then it’s almost too late. My too late was reached because I didn’t want to be alone. He had brought my esteem down so low, making me think I wasn’t enough for him, comparing me to other women, talking about what he liked, I spent our entire time trying to live up to his dream and I don’t know why. I didn’t have daddy issues. I just wanted to be accepted and loved and of course in the event that I can do something to myself to change and make someone love me I will do it. ::shrugs:: It is what it is. I’m climbing out of this. At least I’m trying.

At any rate, he’s a miserable douche bag that I tolerate, but I don’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to. Our children are older. They don’t need me as a go between, ya know?

With that, I begin my day.
I’ve almost completed my Christmas shopping.
Got two things for my daughter to get and maybe something else for my grandbaby.

And that’s just about it…
Love each other.

Kindest regards,
Sister