Five Ways to Fix Star Trek XII: Into Darkness. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

So, I’m Trekkie-sad over the atrocious Star Trek Beyond trailer, and I can’t sleep. (XIII: “Beyond Stupid” looks like mindless action shlock. Still hope there’s an original story.) Naturally, I got to thinking about how easily Star Trek XII: So Very Tired, I mean “Into Darkness”, could have been redeemed. The movie had potential until the Third Act, when they decided to just rehash Wrath of Khan scene-for-scene, and have Khan punch things. Instead of being compelling, it looks like lazy script-writing. Like they had references on scrap paper and tried to arrange them in some order that could be construed as a “story” or “plot.” A few key changes would have brought focus to the script. You know, with good scriptwriting you can edit/rewrite knowing where your story is headed, rather than making no sense.

Make Admiral Marcus the main enemy. For most of the movie, Admiral Marcus IS the main protagonist. The BAD ADMIRAL is a fairly common Star Trek trope, but other than that TNG episode where Picard and Riker phaser down Commander Remmick, our heroes have never directly gone against an Admiral. Even Admiral Nechayev was just a foil to Captain Picard, not an evil person. The introduction of Khan, by itself, isn’t a mistake. The failure was not doing anything interesting with it. Moreover, given the backstory, Khan’s beef is with Marcus, NOT Kirk.

Have Khan and Kirk be allies. You’re expecting Khan to be the bad guy. A well written-plot would have had Khan realize that Starfleet has been corrupted and he needs someone to expose everything. So, Khan, showing his SUPERIOR INTELLECT, manipulates a bunch of events to occur which will seem confusing at first. Kirk will follow his orders (and conscience), but by the Third Act realizes that he now has enough evidence to go against Admiral Marcus. In a dramatic Court Martial (not unlike TNG or TOS), Kirk is able to prove Admiral Marcus has done BAD STUFF. And delivers him ALIVE.

Show Khan’s intellect. What exactly did we learn about Khan in this movie? He punches stuff. He punches stuff a lot. Superior physical strength is only part of being genetically engineered. If Khan was able to engineer an elaborate sequence of events for Kirk, we’d all go “wow, that was brilliant.” Forget murdering a bunch of admirals. Having Khan beat these admirals at their own game would have been far more satisfying. Instead, we’re left thinking, “Wow, none of this makes any sense, and Khan punches stuff.”

Have Khan and his crew settled on a planet. We got our story and our plot twist, and we’re left feeling “wow, Khan was the good guy in this film.” Maybe there’s a throwaway line about wiping the navigational logs or there being a rule of federation vessels never visiting the planet. (Reference to General Order 7 imposed on Talos IV in TOS.) Spock has a line reminiscent (like in “Space Seed”) about what crop they had planted. We have our Kirk speech about moving forward and them leaving on their five year mission or some stuff. Cut to some planet and engineers saying how they’re “going to blow the entire planet in half” if they continue taxing their reactors. Long pan out to show a neighboring planet. The augments have no weapons or advanced technology, but are content to rule their little portion of the galaxy. Khan has a speech about how they were as corrupt as Admiral Marcus, and they should strive to do better - because they “are better.” All seems quiet and peaceful. In a long slow pan, we see an S.S. Botany Bay belt, and then see Khan reading a book, though we can’t see the cover.

We see that it’s Moby Dick, and then the screen goes black before credits. Casual moviegoers would feel content, and Trekkies would shit themselves. Bonus fanshitting if they tossed in a voiceover of Koenig’s Chekov saying “Botany Bay…“

Don’t kill Pike (like that). Five minutes earlier in the film, Pike is saying how Kirk will get everyone under his command killed. Pike’s death had absolutely NOTHING to do with any Kirk negligence. If it was a cocky decision which somehow got Pike killed, it would have had FAR more meaning, and Kirk would learn to stop being a reckless kid who hit the Captaincy jackpot. There was just no point.

The whitewashing of Khan and the sexualizing of Carol Marcus would have been long forgotten if there was, you know, a good script. A good script makes you go “Wow, this all connects together, and upon second and third viewing, I see all the hints I missed the first time.” Instead, further viewings of Into Darkness reveal “wow, this plot MAKES NO SENSE.” Having a more ensemble cast is also a nitpick, though it’s a nice touch when those side characters are memorable and useful.

Consider: “Hot Fuzz.” Every single time I rewatch this movie, I catch something I didn’t catch previously.

BONUS: Replace Khan with Joaquin. Most people have heard of Khan. Only the most hardcore Trekkies would even have a clue what that name meant offhand. Where Khan is a megalomaniac in “Wrath of Khan”, he is tempered by his second-in-command, Joaquin. He’s the one that points out that they’ve already beaten Kirk.

Hear me out. Imagine it isn’t stated where Joaquin came from. He’s just an intelligent scientist being used by Starfleet, and he enlists Kirk to help expose Admiral Marcus. He’s intelligent enough not to reveal that he’s genetically engineered. He makes offhand comments that his mentor taught him everything he knows, and that he just wants to settle his family as a colony where they won’t be bothered. It’s only at the end where it’s revealed his ship was the SS Botany Bay, and that it’s an unnamed brown dude reading Moby Dick. Casual fans won’t know what’s going on, other than a satisfying ending. Trekkies would shit themselves.

Man, I’m not good with original material, but why is it so easy to take existing material and make it less shitty?

Man, I could rant about Into Darkness all day. At least Star Trek V: Final Frontier had a bit of heart.

For a franchise as old as Star Trek, you’re going to end up referencing yourself. The key is doing twists on a previous ideas. My wants for the new movie are the same as what I wanted for this one: A. A deceit script with B. some original ideas that C. entertains me and improves upon rewatching. Seems like a reasonable expectation for any movie.

Tangent: The TMNT2 trailer excited me far more than the STB trailer. That’s just sad.

Last updated December 15, 2015