Bad Sunday in New Diary

I am having a very bad day. I woke up with excruciating pain in my hips and knees. I could hardly stand up. I called my fiancé and she came up. She wasn’t in good mood either. We did a lot of talking and I wrote about it in a private entry. All I want to say here is that she was fed up with people. She has been living in this place for thirteen years and has not made a female friend. I said you are a class act. They are all jealous of you and they are a bunch of back stabbing bitches.,

Sometimes I hate living in this high rise. It is a cease pool of gossip. Whatever you tell people will be spread all over the building. They will twist things around and you will always be portrayed in a bad light. If they do not know anything about you they will make up stories about you and none of it is any good. Then they will steal from you if you let anyone in your apartment. I do not let anyone in my apartment except for Chocolatechip and I can trust her with my life.

I lived her eighteen years myself. I have not made any friends except for Chocolatechip. I swear to God people in this place hate me because I used to be a crossdresser. They do not say anything to my face about it but I would bet my last Sprite they still talk me behind my back. I can tell they hate me by some of the nasty looks I get No matter what I do I will never be able to lie that down and will never be able to make any friends.

It usually doesn’t bother me. I seldom leave my apartment anyway. I have my books and tv to keep me company. Besides I don’t trust these people and don’t really like them. I would rather stick to myself than be around users, abusers, people who put you down all the time. But today it does bother me and it bothers me big time.

Sometimes I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I mean I am sixty-four years old. I have made one true friend in my life-Chocolatechip. I look back on my life and I think I have always had trouble getting along with people. I had no friends in high school. When I was married my in laws hated me . I am estranged from my family and they do not want anything to do with me. Something is not right. I just do not fit in I never did and never will.

I feel really bad about this I guess. I try not to let it bother me. I try not to think about it. But it does bother me. Being alone all the time sucks. Sometimes I can’t stand to be alone by myself especially at night. I should be used to it but it really bothers me. This is when the depression and paranoia get to me the most. I really hate to be alone at night but I guess I m destined to end up being a bitter lonely old man.

Got to stop thinking about it. I really will get depressed. Need to change my train of thought right now. Need to focus on the good things and I have a lot of good things going on. in my life., Think about that and not the bad. 1 I have a roof over my head. 2 I have food to eat . 3 I have clothes to wear. I have money for meds. 4 I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I love very much. 5 I have books to read. 6 I have phone, internet and cable tv. I can think of six good things going on. in my life right off the bat. Things are not that bad. But I still feel very depressed today.