Up and Down - 11.11.13 in Your Face

I honestly can't guess what mood I will be in from one minute to the next. I spent quite a bit of last night crying my eyes out and just hating my own guts so badly. Resolving to be a better person and thinking that all the bad things that have happened to me are because I am an asshole.

Sigh.

If only I could maintain something in the middle. I don't need to be on top of the world, but I can't keep on with these hysterical fits where I rattle off all the ways I can kill myself: pills (ok); slash my wrists (bad idea, could chicken out); drive car into a wall (what if I don't die?); jump off a bridge/cliff (ok); shoot myself (preferred, but can't get my hands on a gun); gas myself in my car (ok); hang myself (NO).

Then today, walking around with my heart full to bursting with love for M, singing Salt n Pepa songs and making conscious decisions to be less of a jerk.

Just somewhere in the middle, thanks. I wish I could go back to those weeks where I was just numb.

I just want to scream. I have spent my entire life suppressing my emotions and keeping up appearances that now when I feel something that comes straight from my heart, I just don't know how to deal with it. M thinks it is me being childish, but he knows the fake, controlling person that my mother is - how can he not understand what she did to me? I am learning to say what I feel, to allow myself to feel hope and disappointment, but its much harder than it sounds. I am so self-conscious about letting others see it.

I actually bought worry dolls the other week, in an effort to get it all out of my head so I can sleep. Seems to be helping.