i knew pat loved me but wow. not just anyone. and shivering. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

yeah so as I’ve mentioned evan i talked yesterday. We talked about Pat as I’ve also mentioned. well and i don’t think I’ve ever blogged about this a long awhile ago Muriel Pat’s mom [this was like 3 yrs. ago] told me I could stop by anytime. Well apparently according to what even told me yesterday Muriel doesn’t say that to just anyone. Pat didn’t have that many friends she’d tell that to. So at some point between when I woke up today [which was at 1 a.m.] and. well now which is 10:50 a.m. I got at her on fb and told her evan had told me that and I was honored to be among the few. cause i am. and she should’ve known that and now she does, so. job done.
Yeah so evan told me that soon after Pat and I’d met which i still don’t remember when that was but it was some time after i met evan. [and i met him the night before my 25th bday] Pat told him about me and he’s like ‘yeah I met this awesome girl’. all excited like. and I can see Pat doing that too. he’d get excited like that. So at some point after that um. he and evan they were talking and Pat knew some stuff about me and he told evan ‘we have to make things better for her’. I don’t know if I’ve blogged about this part but one of the last conversations Pat and i had was [this was feb. of 2013 almost 3 yrs. ago. that’s the last time i was at his house] when I told him i was going to recover. and he was so damn happy about that. Well when he was happy he was the happiest person you’ll ever meet. er have met rather. he was the deepest person i knew and i’m in awe of that. anyway. um.................................................................
So but then in May I. didn’t recover. No I was at my worst. I don’t remember a whole lot of that night and I’m lucky I don’t. But apparently I slept a lot after from what evan’s told me. that’s another thing we talked about. And I guess that night from what he told me yesterday he’s like ‘this girl needs milk. I’d give her food but i know she won’t eat but maybe if I give her milk she just might make it’. And i did. Milk, of all things. wow. yeah and ever since then it’s. milk will save you. it has me a few times.
And ya know. For awhile there I felt bad that I kept getting sick. But it’s never gotten to the level that it was that night. Sure it’s gotten bad but not that bad. yeah when evan & I were talking about this I’m like ‘well i won’t lie to you about it. i mean it hasn’t gotten to that level’. anyway.
And the reason I felt bad about the fact that I kept getting sick was bc I felt like I’d made a promise to Pat my best friend that I was going to recover. But now here i am. Every few months i start to recover again. I just, apparently, had to get really sick before that happened. i broke a helluva an egg as the saying goes. [you have to break a few eggs in order to make an omelet or something like that].
Also from what even told me yesterday I’d been drinking a lot that night and the night before. and it’s funny cause back in..........nov. of 2012 i drank more leading up to the night I was last raped which was dec. 22nd than I had in like awhile. But I think that May I just couldn’t handle it. my body couldn’t handle it my soul couldn’t handle it nothing it. it was all to much the breakup Pat dying the rape. and so the anorexia and the drinking plus the other stupid thing i did that night all of it.........well i won’t put what happened exactly.
So um. Pat would’ve done anything for me which yes i knew. I knew that some of his happiest times were w/ me but what I didn’t know untill yesterday was that I was one of his fave people. According to evan he would’ve taken a bullet for me. he’s lucky that never happened and so am i we both are. Pat really loved his friends as I’ve mentioned before. and I might’ve been one of the people to really get that bc of how strongly I felt that. i mean i’m pretty deep too. evan’s the only friend of Pat’s I’ve talked to about well, Pat. So I don’t know how his other friends saw him only how we did. i mean i can guess but i don’t actually know.
So that night I guess I apologised to evan like 5 or 6 times which i don’t remember at all and he’s like ‘it’s ok we all have flaws I just want you to be ok lady’. he did. he was so godamn worried about me that night that part I do remember.
wow so that got real. um.
So on the...........24th 25th of last month evan and I were in the tunnel. lying on the ground of all places. as we do. this is something else i’ll never forget about him. er him having done rather. and it’s about 50 out. and concrete’s cold so I start shivering of course. [actually from what i’ve read that’s a good sign. it’s when you stop and you’re still cold that you should worry. i think]. And so evan’s like ‘ok we’re getting up. i’m not letting this continue’. i mean wow. Sure other people could’ve been there then but they weren’t. just like other people could’ve been there that night. I was telling evan I feel like owe him for that for being there that night and I’ll never be able to repay for that and he’s like ‘it’s already been done’. well ok wow. and it’s like if anything he feels like he owes me. um. wow. i don’t know that anyone’s ever told me that before.