so on the topic of. sex. confidence. trust. decision made. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

So I’ve decided as i might’ve mentioned to not get at Clint my former mentor untill after the holidays. i want him to have a good holiday season and right now i don’t think i’m in a good enough place where. if we talk i’ll be um. civil to him.
So what happened was that apparently he told valerie my current mentor about the rape. Well she didn’t say it in those words she said he’d told um her ‘about that something pretty traumatic had happened to me’. After which i told her i didn’t want to talk about it. [well i never want to talk about it but it was just such a surprise when i found out this news that now i really don’t].
It’s not the fact that he told her that bothers me. It’s the fact that he didn’t tell me before he was going to do it that does. at least not that i’m aware of. and i probably won’t forgive someone for breaking my confidence. Sure evan’s angered me but far as i know he has never broken my confidence. And I’ve told him the 2 people it’s ok. like if he needs to talk to someone about me I’ve told him the 2 people to talk to his mom and Pat’s mom. I’ll give someone a chance untill they give me enough of a reason not to. And this to me is a good enough reason.not.to. regarding Clint and all that.
Like ok if it were my cutting and my mom didn’t know I hadn’t in over 2 yrs. and someone told her that. well but that’s not quite the same bc it’s something that hasn’t happened. so nvrm. um. No but w/ rape. Firstoff if I tell someone about that I expect them to either A: not tell anyone or 2: not tell anyone w/o letting me know prior and if they haven’t done that then I don’t want it coming back to me. which has already happened. like that’s not something i tell people. Elude to yes. But even that doesn’t give someone permission to go and [well i almost hate to use the term ‘advertise’ but in a way yes]. something that personal.
There have been times where yes I’ll admit I’ve broken confidence. i have w/ evan. like once. but I told Pat’s mom the thing he told me and I know we’re both cool w/ her, so. And I told evan something personal Alexis told me. [my mentor before clint]. But she doesn’t know that. A: we don’t talk much anymore and 2: i’m certainly not going to tell her since it won’t help anyone. and i know evan won’t tell. And when I’ve told someone something personal I’m usually vague about it. like ‘yeah well this person was raised in a smiliar environment’ kindof thing. i don’t give details. I’ve actually done a lot better w/ keeping confidentiality even though I’ve made mistakes. a fact which i’m not proud of.
So anyway getting back to my point. i don’t know...........when i’ll be be able to trust clint again. But he knows about that so. not much else for him to know about. I don’t really have any more major things like that. but if god forbid i were to be raped again [actually it’s been almost 3 yrs. since i last was] I don’t know i’d be able to tell him based on this. But i’d tell someone, a good friend who i trust. which right now isn’t him. and ya know what that’s ok. i mean how the way i found out wasn’t/isn’t. but if i don’t think i should trust someone then it’s ok not to. and i have other people to trust so i’ll be alrite. well in that regard.