46 hours for last week. in Since OD is shutting down....

I work an insane amount of hours. Mainly because I need money and because I really don’t have or care to have a life outside of my job. I am honestly over people just wanting to be in my life to use me so I don’t go out of my way to see or hang out with anyone anymore. I took my pregnant friend cookies and ice cream last night because she’s the reason why I have my job and because she’s always done what she can to help me out when I’ve been in tough spots.

My next day off is Friday and I have to work in 2 hours. I’m honestly sick of being there so much but I just don’t feel ready to tell my boss that I want 2 days off a week yet. I know that I’m close to getting burnt out but it’s better for me to not say anything yet. I fought so hard to come back and I told her I’d work a lot so that would happen and it’s only been 7 weeks so I just think it’s still too early to mention anything.

I’ve been texting with some guy for a couple of weeks but I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to move forward with meeting or anything. He seemed pretty genuine and decent but annoyed me with always talking about sex. I had told him about my car and he said he’d fix it but seemed more interested in getting in my pants and made it more than clear that he wanted that before even looking at my car which tells me that once he got in my pants, the chances of him actually helping me out with my car were slim. I told him I’d pay him very well for labor and would buy all the parts (I don’t expect any help for free) but he still was super adamant about sex above anything else and it was a real turn off.

We were supposed to hang out today but I’ve already been up since 7am and had to run a bunch of errands and spent a ridiculous amount of time finding a pharmacy to fill my Concerta so by the time I was done, I wanted a nap more than I wanted to hang out with some guy. I just feel like my free time is so precious and I really don’t want to waste it hanging out with some guy like one time who’s just going to try to get me in bed when I could be taking a nap and getting ready for yet another day of work. He text me awhile ago and said he can take a hint and for me to take care. I apologized for him wasting his time and explained how I suck and making and keeping plans and that’s mainly why I’m single.

I just feel like people are always more for their own gain than anything else and that’s why I’m single and have been by myself for so long. I’m just so over people and their ulterior motives that it starts to make me seriously angry, sad, and depressed. All I’ve ever done is help people and no one is ever there helping me. I also get real sick of how I’m the bad guy when I finally stand up to people and then instead of understanding where I’m coming from or trying to work it out with me, they just check out which makes me feel like they were just trying to use me all along.

Ever since I came home with a note from my ‘landlord’ my 3 co-workers don’t really make much effort to talk to me outside of work. 2 of them still talk to me and all but the 3rd one has become very distant and only talks to me when it’s necessary. I think it’s complete bullshit that if I’m not letting people walk all over me than they don’t want anything to do with me. I honestly thought this person was my friend and we would be friends for a very long time but since I booted them all out in the nicest way possible, he won’t even answer my text!! It’s like okay, well if that’s how it is than I’m better off!!! I’m not going to just let people fucking use me to have people in my life anymore!!!

Work is going alright. It sucks that I’m going to be there late tonight but once I get off, I plan to be in bed within an hour afterwards. I’m fucking tired. I just took a Concerta and I’m concerned about the side affects. It said on the bottle that it can cause drowsiness, dizziness, and even blurred vision. Ugh, I’m definitely worried but I’ve managed to gain back like 6 pounds because I’ve ran out of the Adderal so I’m hoping it will be just as effective.

I’m hoping that work will go by fast and I can even get out of there early, considering it’s Monday night and usually not very busy. I plan to go get my other car looked at tomorrow and figure out exactly what’s wrong and what it’s going to cost to fix it. Since I have no one else I can count on, I’m stuck putting my faith in an actual shop again. I’m probably just going to fix one thing at a time because of financial reasons and because I don’t want my car somewhere overnight. I think about this car all the time and won’t be completely satisfied until it’s fixed and I can actually drive it without worrying that I’m hurting it. I haven’t driven it in about 2 weeks now and I miss it everyday. I never have time thought anyway because of work.

So I still haven’t heard from my brother and probably won’t either. It sucks that I won’t see his kid indefinitely now, but I refuse to let myself get down about shit I can’t change anymore. I did that 2 years ago when my ex left me and when they wouldn’t let me see her for 6 months. I just have to have the ‘oh well’ attitude and continue living my life. I have too many things going right for me to be sad over other people’s actions.

I’m really wishing I would have gotten more than a 10 minute nap. I’m just so tired but I’m hoping the Concerta will kick in and keep me nice and alert. Just wanting to get through my night so I can come home to my nice, warm bed and go to sleep. I plan to sleep in tomorrow and probably just be lazy until I have to work. Maybe have the car looked at, if not tomorrow than sometime this week. I just hate being in this position. I hate that I can’t turn to family or friends to fix it and not fuck the car up or charge me out the ass. It really hurts me to know that my brother was going to overcharge me and who knows what else he had cooked up to hurt me.

It bothers me that we live so close to each other because I worry that they are going to do something to my car while I’m at work. I don’t trust him or his crazy girlfriend as far as I can throw them. The trust is fucking gone, it was never really there anyway but I think he’s super jealous that I got her back and I wouldn’t be surprised if he did something to it just to get at me. He is such a piece of shit and I’m sorry that he’s had kids because if it wasn’t for them, I would NEVER have a reason to give any kind of a fuck about him. He’s done nothing but hurt me for 30 years now and it’s never going to stop until we completely cut ties and move away from each other.

Time to get ready for work. More later.