In Response To Last Entry in I'm About To Have A Nervous Breakdown

I just feel like I need a change of scenery or hang out with someone else.
I got over my hump yesterday by rewatching the Craig Ferguson clip I go to when I’m feeling low about the alcoholism. Reaffirms what I need to hear every time. Though now that I’m approaching two years a lot of it makes more sense.

When I first came across it on Youtube, I kinda of laughed at the part where he says that it is embarrassing to admit you’re an alcoholic. I honestly thought it funny. “Yeah, hahaha, I KNOW I’m an alcoholic.”

But then I actually stopped drinking.

It puts a damper on a lot of things.

I’d LOVE to go out with people on some weekends…but I don’t feel like being around alcohol. I don’t mind watching movies with my friends. They know I don’t drink anymore and really they’re not trying to get shit faced, just kicking back and having a few beers with friends. Whereas I would bring a twelve pack just for myself. OR! Would bring a sixer of something and would always stop on the way home to get more OR! Would already have more at home or sitting in the car.

Now I know. When two weeks ago John offered me a beer and I crawled inside myself a little and said, “Yeah…I don’t drink.” I left it at that. But apply that to a social situation where I’m talking to someone new, guy or girl. “Oh, would you like to grab a drink.” Almost like a handicap.

I’m feeling a little bit more comfortable now about actually talking about some of the dumb shenanigans I got into when drinking and getting better at forming a coherent strain of thoughts on how it makes me FEEL.

I’d go back to an AA meeting seeking for some form of friendship/alliance but what made me so batty about the meetings in the first place wasn’t the emphasis on religion and finding a god (which did bother me) but it was more of the social hierarchy of the group. After meetings we’d all be outside smoking cigarettes, everyone in their little social clique as I stood alone or awkwardly by my sponsor, silently exhaling smoke into the night air. I’d stare at the group of people feeling on the outside looking in, like it was high school all over again.

Those negative thoughts reinforced my feelings of isolation and being a pariah which in turn would make me want to hide behind the veil of getting hammered so I didn’t have to face those insecurities. I could surf the internet all night, listening to the songs that made me feel good or binge watch Netflix till I got drunk enough (or blacked out) to go to bed.

After reading John Cheese’s article about addiction on Cracked.com plus what he said,

Some days will be difficult. Bad enough with Tourette’s and ADHD (pot helps SO much) but now you’re telling me on holidays I may feel bitter, angry, and isolated all again from people? Wonderful!

I’m already isolated enough. I don’t really leave the house much and have kinda given up on TV. I read a lot now. Have been discovering the insanity of Philip K. Dick.
And I thought I was crazy, heh. At least I have fascinating stories to share insanity with.

Last updated September 07, 2015