More in Your Face

I feel like writing more, sorry.

So, I’ve been thinking lately about how I’m becoming a different person. I feel like I’m allowing myself to dream and plan and do more things than I had ever allowed myself to do before. I think a big part of it is having a “fresh start”. I came here knowing exactly two people in Santa Fe: M and Tyler. I haven’t exactly expanded on that circle, other than people I know through work. I don’t feel bad about it, I don’t really miss having friends, because I don’t really want to go anywhere or do anything. I have a ton of online friends, and I receive enough interaction with them to feel satisfied. I think I also am reluctant to get too friendly and settled with people, knowing that within a year, we plan to be leaving for NY.

But what I really mean is the writing, the drawing, the work endeavors. I think I kept myself in a box in Australia, working hard at my old job (and bitching about it, because it wasn’t really what I wanted), and forcing myself to run helter skelter through my degree (which I wanted, but under that level of pressure? No thanks.). Going to family gatherings and smiling and making jokes like the performing monkey my mother trained me to be.

Now, I feel like I am who I let myself be, and I do what I want, and I feel good about things that I want to feel good about. I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. I don’t have to offer explanations as to why I haven’t yet become a Success (as defined by my mother). I don’t feel stifled and self-conscious.

It’s all very nice. It’s like I’m discovering my confidence. I’m letting myself do the things that I want, and not caring about whether it’s “good enough”, or “cool enough” or “clever enough”. I’m making a decision to do what makes me happy, and allows my life to function. For example: working means my life functions well, I can eat and live and pay my bills. Spending my weekend playing hours of Age of Empires II makes me feel happy, even though it’s not productive, and not everyone’s idea of fun.