Still here living. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got some sleep and then today, I got up and got my hair trimmed and got my meds that I needed. I’m waiting for my nurse to call and see if they can just prescribe the fucking Adderall until I can get the Concerta through the program. I have serious reservations for the Strattera and already feel nausea and just don’t feel like it’s going to do for me what the Adderall did. I also hate switching meds, especially when I get used to one and get used to it. Hopefully she’ll call today or tomorrow and get this figured out.

I know I’m tired from working so much and plan to take a couple days off once I get everything caught up and get some money in the bank. This 6 days a week is killing me. I’m so grateful to be back but I’m only going to be able to last so long before I crash. I am just getting too old to work so much but now I have to get myself back where I was financially before everything got so fucked up. It’s going to take a little bit but I know that it’s possible.

My brother and his girlfriend are really starting to piss me off with this one sided bullshit. I’m really sick of having to spend money to be around them and have their kid. I’m also real sick of listening to their relationship problems. I seriously could care less. I’m single and loving my freedom so there’s really no point in trying to get any advice from me because I seriously just don’t give a fuck. I’m pissed that nothing was said about me having her over the weekend and then he’s asking if I can be off Black Friday so I can watch her. When they go to Black Friday, they go buy stuff for themselves, not for anyone else and yet they ask me to rearrange my work schedule so I can watch her?!?!!?

It’s also bullshit how I gave them a brand new pack of smokes the other night that I was supposed to get paid for and that never happened either. My brother said to ask his girlfriend and we all know how that goes so I just didn’t say anything but I’m just so tired of being caught in these situations where I just get used like no other but if I say anything, it’s a fucking shitstorm.

From being stuck at our other location for 3 and a half months and being broke all the time, it’s taken quite a toll on my self esteem and it’s a lot harder for me to stand up to people. I have to get that back. I’m like always afraid of pissing people off at work too. Like, I’m scared I’ll get fired or something. I think a lot of it was from putting up with Dan’s bullshit too where I couldn’t have my own feelings because he couldn’t handle it. I would try so hard to communicate my feelings with him and he would just get raging pissed, be mean, and break up with me. I just learned how to keep my mouth shut and keep so much to myself and that’s why I knew it wasn’t going to work.

I think I’m going to stay away from my brother and his girlfriend for awhile because if I don’t, I know that I’m going to tell him how I feel about shit and it’s going to result in me not seeing his kid anyway. That’s how it’s always gone before and that’s why I question why I even waste my time trying to be a part of that kids life. I’m just sick of being used and treated like my schedule and priorities don’t matter whatsoever. I’m sorry but I’m not like them and get the luxury of only working 2 days a week, I have adult bills.

Maybe I’m just crabby from never getting enough time away from work or maybe because I just deal with assholes. I try to be the best person I can be and it seems like most people just take advantage of it. I start to wonder why I try at all. I honestly think I’m a good person but so many people have made me feel like I’m not, that I’m just this crazy bitch that can’t get along with anyone when all I do is let so much go to avoid fighting with people.

I think I just need to focus on working for awhile and not worry about seeing anyone when I’m not there. I’m just tired of feeling like all I do is accommodate others and get used so it’s time to just be doing me for awhile. I’m honestly just so sick of other people’s bullshit and the lack of respect and consideration they have for me and my life.

It’s time to start getting ready for work. I need to get dressed, get my hair dry, clean out my car and get something to eat. More later.