Revel/Revelate/Revelation/Revelatory/Relative in Random Thoughts

I have been trying to take what i have been learning about yoga philosophy (tantra), what i have been reading about the ego, and the pain i have been experiencing as a result of this break up.

Unfortunately, i need to get to my next class, so i can’t add any detail.

Also, i would really like to complain a little, just to get it off my chest; but then not talk about it any more.

Hour Edit

For some reason, i have a reprieve from that ache i have been experiencing all week. I don’t know what it is, but i have a small inkling.

I was considering why i was in pain, what the root cause of it (not just i was broken up with, ouch it hurts)

Ok, class is back. That was the smallest edit ever, i need to go.

Another Hour Edit

Something weird is going on today. Instead of the heavy heart and sadness that i have been carrying around, i feel… happy? not quite that, but i am absent that sadness.

One part of this feeling is something i never have liked- a strange feeling of too much energy, excitement, jittery-ness. Some of that may be because of a pretty eventful weekend coming up, as well as only two days of school with the upcoming holiday with my brother and sister. Though, honestly, this is a strange feeling i have, in the past, wondered if it was a minor mania. I don’t want to equate it like anything that a person with bi-polar disorder would experience, that’s not fair to those with whom that is a reality. But still, its so strange and i wish it would go away.

As for this weekend, it is quite full. Tonight i attend my first of 6 BDSM classes (once a month for 6 months). Tonight’s is just negotiations and etiquette, no play. Before that i attend a social gathering of the freaky folk i have searched out; in a regular setting. I think that i actually saw one of them as a substitute teacher at the elementary school next door (gasp!).

Then, Saturday and Sunday are my yoga teacher training classes. We are focusing on Ayurveda and health, which is interesting. The heady yoga philosophy talk was last month when i was at my friend’s wedding; i cam catching up on that via vid. I loved the lecture and i am excited to see what kind of talk results from our review of the homework.

And continuing with my busy weekend, Sunday night i am participating in a social even with Sex Positive Portland. This class will be focusing on communication and boundaries, which is an area i really need to pay special attention to.

So. My sadness. My frustration. All week i have been walking around with a heavy heart. I don’t even know what was going on inside. I wasn’t crying. I think i was avoiding getting deep into the hurt. I did not want to perseverate on the whys, hows, and especially any blame. I did not want to revisit the past. I was also trying to look at things objectively, which really made me feel as if i was distancing myself- and in general that did not seem healthy. A couple times i broke down; once his friend sent me a fb message telling me some pretty nice things and saying she wanted to maintain a friendship (which i think is great). Another time is when my good friend asked how i was doing. At first i said i did not want to talk, but then started talking about what frustrated me most and it was upsetting.

Start Frustration I started this in a different entry. Here i will try to be succinct.

Her pursued me. I gave in eventually and allowed myself to be drawn in emotionally. He told me i was gorgeous, smart, the one. He was thoughtful and made dreams. Talked about what it would be like when we lived together, and eventually started looking at houses in my neighborhood. This was just a month ago! I bought in, because of all things, one thing i have really wanted was to be with someone that i could dream with, make plans with, follow through with those plans. And then, this.

I feel like i was sold a bad bill of goods. Or whatever that phrase is. I bought in and then was totally let down, when i was not even the pursuer or thought it was a good idea until way in.

That’s it. I will not focus on this, its not fair to Me or him

End Frustration

Perhaps this is what helps me feel some relief. Perhaps this was a revelation.

I was trying to parse out why i was so hurt. I was thinking about how much it hurt that i was told that i was the one and then eventually i was not. Fortunately i have gown enough that i did not go down the path of “what is wrong with me?” What i did realize was that it hurt my ego that i was not perfect, that i was not the right person.

Because, something that i have never voiced, i have always thought i was the right one. In general. With everyone. With everything.

I know it sounds weird, crazy, or just doesn’t make sense. Sorry about that, its would not be helpful to try and explain.

So, it came to me as i was driving. My emotions were hurt because it hurt my ego, my sense of self, that i was not the right one. It was an ego thing. “Now, this may be the case,” i thought while in the car, “this may be an ego thing, but i still hurt.” I still feel frustrated. i still think about how this played out and ended and felt there were so many things i wanted to tell him.

Since it was my ego that was hurt, i felt shallow.

But, I just had to accept that my ego was shaken. My emotions were hurt based on an ego thing. And, it was ok to be hurt. I had to tell myself it is ok to be hurt based on my ego being offended that i was not “the one.”

All this in the car yesterday. I don’t think it is a cure. It is just an opening of the veil.

Thank you for listening, world. I do appreciate it.

Last updated November 20, 2015