The Ants Go Marching in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Last night, I got home about 30 minutes before my wife. It is funny… these times are what my Wife does best. She gave me a “pep” talk of sorts… the whole “You don’t have to care, they would never fire you; put in only as much work as you want, not as much work as they need.” And she’s right. If BOSS can’t even be bothered to staff the damned library for three days… then it really isn’t my responsibility to fix his mess. I might get yelled at for not fixing it. I might have very pissed off inmates hold me responsible. But at the end of the day… what matters more? Being away from my home, my wife, and my attempts to lead a life… working from 8 am to 9 pm every day to try to fix some jackass’ bullshit? It isn’t worth it. And these are the good things from Wife. Reminding me that… there is middle ground between Hero and Monster… called human… and that it is okay. It, frankly, is something I need to hear often. Because I gauge my value and self-worth based on what I can do for others. Not healthy, I know, I hear you. All the same.... in what ways am I a part of the community? How am I affecting the world around me? That’s where I derive value. And Wife keeps saying, “Tough this out and find value in the next step. We get through these next 6 months and then we get to go home where value is assured no matter what. Because of family, friends, community… the things that matter.”

So that was good to hear last night. Still… hate this place, hate this place, hate this place, hate this place… but I have to keep trying to convince myself that I don’t have to thrive here, I just have to survive. I’m not looking for medals, I’m just looking for a paycheck. Such a hard frame of mind for me.

Still… woke up this morning in a little better spirits. After all, court in the morning so I didn’t have to go straight to the Law Library. That’s always good. After court was finished, I dropped off some paperwork (because, like usual, I did stellar in court and got some folks added for extra programs)… and get to the 5th Floor office where I hear out of Direct Boss’ office a booming voice shouting “You’re damned right I’m pissed!” It was… not me or Work Crush. It was someone else. Being upset with Direct Boss for some reason. And I get it. Direct Boss has no spine, just came back from his 3rd week long international vacation… shit has collapsed because BOSS is a douche and people yell at Direct Boss because he doesn’t do anything about it. So… part of me feels bad for him. But a larger part of me thinks… who the fuck cares? This entire department is fucked. If you are in a position of power you either (1) fix it; or (2) allow it to stay fucked. After years and years of option 2… yeah, things are wicked bad. That’s to be expected. So of course people are going to be pissed at Direct Boss… he and BOSS have let this place go to shit. And the three people directly below BOSS and Direct Boss… are constantly burnt out, on the edge of quitting, pulling their hair out.

I… likely won’t write a whole lot more today. I’m actually training someone for Law Library!! Work Crush told Direct Boss that I was not willing to deal directly with inmates anymore. Which is mostly true. The physical danger, stress, and potential danger to my law license are simply not worth the risk… especially not worth the risk at $10 an hour! So… someone new is coming into the Law Library. Poor bastard. They are only hiring one person. And still demanding that he be part time. So, in truth… it means I’ll still be working Law Library. But… we’ll see how training goes and how confident he can be on his own… I’m hoping things go ridiculously well and I’ll only ever have to do two days in the law library. Like… y’know… an ACTUAL part timer.

Plus, I was able to swing a meeting today about Safety in the Law Library. I’m sure the meeting won’t be nearly as logical or pleasant as I would hope. Frankly… a meeting, I think, is overkill. (1) Are there Corrections Officers in the law library? No. (2) Have we been given similar training to Corrections Officers? No. (3) Is there a camera to monitor safety and conduct in the law library? No. So… what are the safety procedures? There’s a button you can push (if you can reach it) should things go wrong. That… is horrifically insufficient. Hopefully, I can impress upon them why that set up is dangerous… not only physically, but from a lawsuit viewpoint.

Mostly because I’m a giant puss, though… I will be working until late again today. Yes, likely 9:00 or later. Yes, meaning 3 hours of court followed by 9 hours of Law Library. It is horrible, it is hell, and I hate it… but training Pedro and taking steps to get caught up from BOSS’ dick move take a lot of time. And if I can get through some of that, I’m at least going to try.