and here's why i keep going back. on rape. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

so i don’t know if anyone remembers but back when i was on fod i um. i wrote a letter [er a letter. sorry i meant an entry. i wrote an entry]. um yes i wrote an entry saying if they liked me when i was thin though [‘they’ being the guys who hurt me] [not in those exact words] then why do i keep going back? to being thin i mean.
well and although this is only part of it. i think the reason is so. i can somehow prevent it. from happening even though it already has. cause yeah. it hurts that much. that isn’t the original reason i started relapsing back when i first did. i started having eating issues when i was 13 [and i was first raped when i was 17, so] but i don’t think i knew at the time...........well i didn’t even understand my eating disorder untill the last like. couple yrs.
but see. i can’t change what happened [well no one can] so it doesn’t make sense to keep relapsing. i mean it’s a bit unrealistic. [and obviously not that good for a person]. i mean it won’t turn back time. still hurts regardless. and there’s still that weird unrealistic hope. that it will. the relapses are my time machine in a way. i know that just cause i’m hurting by relapsing doens’t mean they’ll care cause yeah they probably won’t. it doesn’t change anything. [except for, you know. my body biologically and physically]. but that’s the only thing it changes. it’s not like ‘oh ok so you relapsed so that means the rape never happened’. so well it changes something just not what i want. to change.