November 9th-11th in 2015

November 9 finished pretty dully. Eikaiwa, some form of dinner, a walk, some guitar practice. The usual. I did end up writing the basics for a song, for the first time in a long time, which felt really nice. As I improve on ukulele, it’s easier to come up with new ideas for music. I really think that one reason my songwriting died was that I had run out of my capacity to play the ukulele. I believe that I mentioned that somewhere. If not, I probably should have. Anyway, I’m rather proud of it, for the moment. I want more opinions. So far, only Simona has heard it. She also invited me to a wedding in India, which I’d love to go to (to see her), but I can’t swing financially. I need to tell her that today. I do care for that girl. Oh well. Stayed up far too late.
Woke up on Tuesday morning, and I was in agony. I mean, I exaggerate, but I was really REALLY sore. I was also really, really, tired. I actually had a debate with myself and decided that it was better to not work out that day. At least, in the morning, I was still determined to do my evening walk/jog. School was fine. I worked with Matsumoto Sensei, which was great. I’m attempting to make jokes in Japanese, and my continuous failure seems to amuse Inori Sensei and to annoy Matsumoto. She is not a woman who seems to be patient of failure. Inori Sensei won’t be here today (the 11th), but I’ve got plenty of grading to do for her. Yesterday, I had a lot of grading to do, so I used it as an excuse to skip a lunch I didn’t really want and which had an obscene number of calories. I ate the bread, because I could eat one handed, and I drank the milk, but I skipped the pasta and the veggies. I may have eaten them if they had been better, but it turned out well enough that I skipped, because I ended up being unable to even do my full walk.
I did a lot of walking around the school before I got all of my grading, and after I got all of my grading. However, the art teacher caught me walking around upstairs (singing) and seemed super pissed off to find me. I need to remember to be quiet. I’ve gotten permission to walk the school when I’ve finished all of my work (my excuse is that it’s doctor’s orders) but it’s still touch and go. That, and skipping lunch, is really what saved my ass.
I had Satsuma-cho tea ceremony last night, and Sam and I needed to leave by 6:30. I finish work at 4:30, but by the time I get home, go to 7-11, get back, eat, and get changed . . . it takes up a chunk of time. I thought that I could compensate by going faster. My left ankle (the weak one) has been bothering me a bit, but I thought I could probably power through just this once. Well, it didn’t end up mattering. The sheer force of my man boobs jiggling as I jogged pulled so hard on my sore pectorals that I had to stop. It’s a problem I’ve had before, but not something I’ve ever been willing, or able, to put into writing. It’s these things that give me the most shame. A beer belly, I’d not mind, but I’ve been chestier than most of the girls that I’ve dated, and this is something that horrifies me. I still remember getting a massage in China, and the girl put her hand around my man tit, then around her own (she was clothed, I was a good boy), and marveled at how much bigger mine were. I wish tips were a thing in China. Her tip would have gone down. Though, I mean, not really. It’s true. I’m gross shirtless. I still remember doing things with Grace. She’d be naked. I’d keep my shirt on. And I’m fatter now than I was then. Anyway, the jiggling was too much for my sore pectorals, a double reminder of my weakness and obesity (literal, clinical, obesity by any and all measurements currently in use by the medical profession), so I cut myself off early. I cut my route in half, then changed clothes, and got ready for the tea ceremony.
The ceremony was remarkably fun. It’s urasenke, not omotesenke. Moreover, it’s seated urasenke, which was what I studied to begin with in Hikone. I can’t begin to explain how much more I preferred it. I think, honestly, the biggest difference was that I just wasn’t in the agony of trying to sit seiza. Once more, I’m reminded of how the hideous state I’ve let myself reach is preventing me from finding meaningful happiness in things. I’d wondered whether or not this was the case when I do tea, (when I did tea in the states, it was seiza, and omotesenke, but I was also 30 lbs. lighter) if maybe it was just the pain that prevented me from enjoying it. I think that’s the likely cause. Well, damn. A week from Friday, I’ve got an appointment with Kyoko, my doctor, and I think I may ask her about maybe dropping from tea class for a bit. Until I get my weight under control, I just won’t get almost anything out of it. It’s just too painful. It’s embarrassing to ask for so many reasons. Firstly, the obvious one of weight. But, more than that, I feel selfish and terrible. I’ve tried so hard to fit in and to take my responsibilities as a student seriously. I feel like, by pulling out, I’m being useless. I wonder if maybe Kyoko can broker some kind of deal where I come in for my pre ceremony lessons, like I’ve been doing, but don’t stay for the ceremony proper. I’d also want to keep paying full price. I want to show that I’m dedicated, but that I just can’t, at the moment. What’s the point in tea ceremony, designed to bring peace and reflection, when all you can think on is how much everything hurts?
I woke up this morning at six, and was still sore. It would have been possible to maybe do my exercises, but I decided against it because I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with the You Are Your Own Gym plan and push so hard I’m immobile. It’s honestly embarrassing to see how much pain I’m still in, and this is with 6 ibuprofen a day. The workout was NOT hard. And I warmed up first and stretched after. I’d thought this was something that I could do every day, but, I think I’m going to have to start by doing it twice a week. Which is another huge shame and embarrassment. I hadn’t realized, before now, just how truly awful of a shape I’m in. I at least used to have something in the way of deltoids. They’re quite gone. Everything hurts. I’m just a mess, and it’s all from having gotten so fucking fat.
Well, today I’m going to ask the lunch ladies to give me half portions of all food. The lunches here are too fattening. Today’s lunch is 874 calories. I have 531 for breakfast. That’s 1405 calories out of a net goal of 1500. Yes, I do get more calories freed up through exercise, but, today I’ve got so much grading I think I have to do that my school walking will be limited. I’m also so busy that it’s harder to make it to all of my obligations, and I’m not sure how my walk will go tonight. I think I’m going to have to skip Eikaiwa, which makes me sad (because I love eikaiwa), but . . . what’s to be done? I have too many things to do, and I couldn’t skip my Tuesday or Thursday obligations.
Tomorrow I’m going to a school that made jokes about calling me “Oz” and asked if I could do magic. I said, “Of course,” they told me to prove it, and I promised I would next time. I’ve had to learn two easy card tricks. A bit of extra time, but, still.
Today was the bi monthly big garbage pickup. I forgot to take out several of the things I needed to. I should have planned it last night, but I was too exhausted. Time management is a bitch. I also still haven’t figured out where/when I drop off the tops for the cans and bottles I drink. There were no garbage helpers at the site today. Not great. Oh well.
I had an odd dream, before I forget, that I was in the middle of a big James Bond swordfight (based on the one that Pierce However-you-spell-his-last-name was in). Then, the wall opened, and the audience looked like a kind of 3-D optical illusion. Then I realized we were in a play. At Oxford. And I bumped into the Sussman family, and they congratulated me. It was strange. There was another dream, but I don’t remember it.
Speaking of which, a few days ago, can’t believe I didn’t mention this, Anna was doing stuff in the costume room at old Starlight, when she found a ticket stub from ’06 Cabaret with a note to Amanda on it. I want to tell Amanda, but I’m not sure.
I wrote a letter to Lindsey yesterday, and in it, I mentioned that none of my correspondents had bothered to reply. Naturally, I got a reply from Lauren that day when I walked home. I’ll open it tonight, hopefully, and get started on a reply. That’s the goal anyway.
Beyond that, there’s not much to say. Over two pages to describe a few very uneventful days, but I still have the cheek to say, “Beyond that, there’s not much to say.” Wow. Anyway, two classes with Ebihara Sensei today (and I’m more and more convinced that she doesn’t really like me), and beyond that, grading. The goal, tonight, is to get my laundry dried, buy some things I need, practice guitar, clean a bit, and get to bed early. The nice thing about having no games, and a lot of things you need to do, is that even your procrastination becomes useful. When I don’t want to practice guitar, I practice ukulele. Such is the oddity of life.
I’m spinning the wheels on a new story idea in my head. I’ve got a good premise, but, as always, I lack decent characters or characterization. Such is the life of an Oz.
Goodnight.