Why, Why, Whyyyyyyuh... in meh...

In my freezer sits foil wrapped chicken thighs, two ice trays and a single cornish game hen.

In my refrigerator sits a bell pepper, half an onion, a head of cabbage, some baked beans that I cooked for my sister that I don’t want because I don’t eat baked beans, some garlic, raw spinach a couple of sprigs of cilantro, a few hot dogs, some cheese that sweats and doesn’t melt, cartons of old milk (almond and cashew) and some cornmeal. Oh and butter sticks and all the condiments you could ever ask for.

My bank account is at -$24.00 and some change because my last check was used to go grocery shopping instead of being the rent check and even still my car insurance bill was due.

I’ve got two loans I’m paying off because I can never seem to make ends meet enough to have extra money for things like…oh, groceries at the actual grocery store and not Dollar Tree and bills and clothes.

I. Don’t. Have. Shit.
And while there are people that don’t have even that, I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything to spare to the point that after work, I’m going to take back some things I bought for my cousin for her baby since she will never get them and the baby has outgrown the stuff I got for him.

My baby brother is feeling out of options and has taken to Facebook asking for help. He has called and texted me when I wasn’t watching my phone wanting me to call him. I love my baby brother more than anything, but at this stage in my life I love my peace of mind more. Between him and my daughter and their bouts of crisis…what the entire EFF do they think I’m made of????

Background:
My younger siblings had that benefit of living with my dad growing up. They were always in church, they sang in the choir, they went to private schools. They had every opportunity afforded to them. The best of everything. Always shopping. Just the best. For whatever reason, that wasn’t enough. My baby brother started using weed. He felt smothered so he left dad’s house. He would go back and forth many times. At one point, when they were kids, he and baby sis (who shared a mother like my brother and I) found an account that dad had money set aside for them (inheritance I assume) and they spent all of their money and he never bothered to open another to give the more.
Fast forward, he was in and out of jail, treatment facilities (don’t know whatelse he had been on) living with this chick and that chick, he got someone to let him into the church and he stole money from the high alter. That was the last straw. He could no longer live with dad. No one trusts him. He’s always got a sob story.

Like I said I love him, but I’m not looking for anymore responsibility. He is apparently screwing up everywhere he lives. Except his mother. She is my girl, but she never really wanted them in the beginning, hence them living with dad.

Now he’s back on the street so he says. He’s not eating, has nowhere to sleep. I gave him some money last month. It wasn’t much, but it was what I had. He asked if he could come to my house. I don’t mind people visiting, but he wants to set up shop. I won’t even let my own daughter do that because it comes with issues. I don’t feel like all the drama. I love him, but I don’t trust his nature.

At the same time I feel awful because he is my brother and I love him. I keep wondering if he will do something stupid. What if he commits suicide because he feels like he has no one? What if he tries to rob some store or something? I would feel like shit. The rest of the famly doesn’t have feelings but I have feelings.

I just cannot ignore my inside. What if he steals my son’s game systems? They are not easily replaced because I don’t have that kind of money but once a year at tax time. This makes me so sad because I don’t like turning my back on anyone, but I cannot put myself out for the benefit of someone else. I can’t sacrifice what I don’t have. Who the hell is going to look out for me if I get put out? I don’t have a home I can go back to. If I’m out on the street, I’m out on the street. That’s it.

I’m debating whether or not to call him back or text him back.
I just can’t do it even though I hate to be the person that let’s people down or can’t be there for them like they need me to be. I’m not in a position to be that person.

I just can’t…
I just want to cry I feel so much despair for him…but there is nothing I can do.

::sighs heavily::

Sister

Last updated November 05, 2015