Because I'm Never Going Away in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Last night, I decided- fuck it. I’ve already logged 37.5 hours; I’m not going to stay an extra two and a half hours. I posted on facebook how I thought taking back my life (at least a little) was a good call but still difficult for me to do. Wife responded to post saying, “They don’t deserve your best. I know it is hard for you, but a place that doesn’t reward you or look out for you doesn’t deserve 110% of what you can offer.” Work Crush responded just under that saying, “Your wife is smart. And totally correct.” I share that because all of that swirled together into a rare event. When my wife got home from work last night, she kissed me on the cheek. I understand that sounds anti-climactic but… sadly, not in our relationship. Usually any such contact must be asked for or stolen. For her to walk in and bestow affection upon me in that manner… is rare but appreciated.

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Oh, back at work. I’m putting in a 13 hour day and not doing paperwork. I’m just here to try to get through as many housing units as possible. And we’ll still need someone over the weekend. And they’ll still bitch that I didn’t do enough. Because that’s how this job is. I put in a 47.5 hour work week as a part timer… and I’m getting flak because I couldn’t get through all 29 housing units. It is like the people in charge specifically and purposefully remain completely ignorant to reality, logic, and physics. Frustrating? Of course.

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Large parts of me are already regretting agreeing to work so much/so hard today. I promised to try to get through as many Maximum Security Housing Units as possible. Dumb me. Max Mods take longer because the halls have to be completely cleared. Max Mods are more stressful because they are more dangerous. Max Mods are more stressful because they are much more demanding of my time and energy. Instead of attending the law library to research their case (as is the expectation and requirement) they come to use me as their attorney. We have large large signs throughout the law library saying Law librarian cannot give you legal advice… exhausting. Really.
Especially when it is the mentally “off” who like to chat. I can’t yell at them and tell them to sit down… I’m too much of a puss for that. So they sit in front of my desk and just chat and chat about how the police have conspired to force them to murder their family and how they will gain their freedom once the judge sits down with them and hears the truth of it from their lips and all of that. Yeah. Exhausting.
Which means, as I think about it… there is not a single way I can get through 6 mods in the next 9 hours. The shift change at 3 takes two hours; Inmates get dinner for an hour… so I’m looking at 6 hours for 6 Mods. Literally impossible. BEST I’d be able to do is 5. Which means I’ll really get it after the weekend since we’ll need someone to do (at most) 7 mods. Because, yeah… I’m expected to average 6 - 10 Mods a day, but when a CO (who gets paid twice as much) has to do more than 4 Mods… it’s because I’m lazy!

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I won’t “live-tweet” my day today mostly because I am trying to just burn through housing units… which, as previously stated, will be a challenge.

But… I’m very looking forward to a weekend that does NOT involve an out-of-state round trip. Two weekends ago: involved out of state round trip. Last weekend: involved out of state round trip. Next weekend: involves out of state round trip. Weekend after that: involves out of state round trip. So… happy face for a small break there.
Because my back is killing me, I need to take a long soak in the bathtub. I’m gonna do it up nice. Bubble bath, a Sherry (or red wine, depending on how I feel after work) and just hope that all of this bloody tension in my body can lessen at least a tad.
Then Saturday? Well, actually, Saturday won’t be nearly as fun/relaxing as I want it to be. I’m going to mass spam a shit-ton of Job Applications. A bunch more to Iowa (including firms I’ve already applied to and have re-posted job openings) and some preemptive ones around here. But hopefully… I’ll also have some time for video games and sleep and working out.
No, I’m going to say it right now because if I say it with conviction I’ll make it happen. I will play video games. I will exercise a bit. I will finally take advantage of having time and privacy to masturbate. I mean… obviously… something WITH the wife would be better but… I can’t keep waiting forever.

Though, it would be nice to have the energy and mental strength to write some kind of fantasy story for myself. I’m really in the mood lately for a nerdy, black haired girl to really geek out with me. Like… a marathon of Anime and Sci Fi and Sex. Y’know?

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Okay… since I’m on that now… I wasn’t going to discuss this but… I don’t know. I want to share this to demonstrate how I think and how my eyes work and interact with my brain and… yeah. So… judge me if you want for this… but… disclosure leads to understanding.
Work Crush and I were in the office earlier today. Of course and obviously, she looked gorgeous. Hair perfect but not overdone, makeup professional but enticing, earrings matching her necklace, a lacey undershirt under a professional button up under a purple zip-up hoodie, black/white checked pants that nicely hugged her thighs. These are all things my eyes caught quickly and (hopefully) imperceptibly. And a few thoughts I had:
1. She is so much tougher than me and so much smarter than me!
2. Her hair like that, that color, it isn’t the right style and it is a bit short… but it makes her look like a pale Emma Watson.
3. Her face has always been attractive to me as has her wardrobe, make up palette, and ability to accessorize… but something about how her legs looked in those pants? It was weird to me because I am so very rarely that guy. But… her thighs looked a little bigger than usual and for some reason… that was doing it for me.
4. It occurred to me, then, that this is something I needed to share with PB because this is what it is in my head around an attractive girl. Even if I weren’t married, I would have had those thoughts… in that order… and that would have been all. Because… After those thoughts go through my head… there’s this… stop. Pause. I think… What am I going to do? Compliment her? Because women tend to take that so well! “You look nice today” is about as much as I feel I’m allowed to say to someone. “You’re very beautiful today” ? It seems… a bit much. And granted… that comes from my own personal experiences but… it all does! I’m not gonna say “Dayum, baby, your legs look great today!” I just… I don’t know where the middle is. I don’t know how to deliberately flirt. My brain takes the inventory, immediately recognizes strengths and positives and then… closes the file, in a sense. Just… thought that was worth sharing for some reason.

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Just like this is worth sharing. Because… rage. Flames. Heaving. Breathing. Heaving flames on the side of my face!

That vicious killer who they are telling me now needs to be allowed his own private hour down here (after they’re already bitching I don’t get enough done down here even though I’m a part timer pulling 47 hour weeks and the only one who works down here!).... so my plan and direct comment to them was: “He only comes down when there is a Corrections Officer here. One on One with a litigious murderer is far too great a risk for my life and my career. Not happening.”
Yeah… they don’t like my response. They really want to not use a CO in here. Because the CO (who, might I remind you, is actually trained on dealing with inmates) gets paid DOUBLE what I do! But… yeah. If they try to force me to call that guy down? Fuck it all. Fuck them hardcore for good measure. Considering I make less than my Wife does at Wal Mart… it isn’t worth my life or license to just give in on something like this!

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Ha… this one I’m not even mad about, it’s just funny. A corrections officer called me from her Mod to see if her mod would get Library Time this week. Uhm, every mod is supposed to get Library Time. But… people are confused why things in the Law Library changed so much. Y’know… going from 3 people in the Law Library to just me. So they are worried why, on Friday at 1600 hours, 11 Mods haven’t been called to the Law Library. I’d love to just give them my schedule.
Monday: Interview
Tuesday: 10 Hours
Wednesday: 17 Hours
Thursday: 7.5 Hours
Friday: 13 Hours.
Guys… I’m trying. Honestly. I’m trying to get all the mods taken care of. But between court, inmate interviews, emergency interviews, and law library? C’mon! I’m doing what I can. I’ve already got my bosses hounding me, I don’t need the rest of the jail to breath down my neck, too.
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What Next Week Looks Like:
Monday: pretty much mandatory 12 hour day in the Law Library
Tuesday: 3 Hour Court Shift and literally, as much time in the Law Library as I can.
Wednesday: 12 Hour day in the Law Library. Plus any interviews they happen to demand that day.
Thursday: Eye Exam, Phone Interview, and packing for my trip.
Friday: 4.5 Hour Drive cross-state. But… at least I’ll see a FRIEND! :D YAY

And to leave you, strangely, I have this song stuck in my head:
(wow, how exhausted am I? I just wrote “Paul Mccarthy instead of Paul Mccartney).

BTW- I am still reading most of you!! I apologize for lack of comments but… you might not want what floats around my head these days, lol.