Setting In (wicked long one, sorry) in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

Two Big Things:
(1) It has taken almost 4 years but The Darkness I face working in Corrections is finally starting to seep in. Hearing about animal torture, sexual assault, and more almost every day… with no power to do anything… is finally starting to upset me.
(2) Constantly never getting the job has taken an enormous toll on me. And, I know I talk about it all the time here but that’s because… otherwise? I’d be a sobbing ball of mush on the floor somewhere. I don’t know why I would ever have expected empathy from my wife; but not getting it is really starting to hurt. She can sympathize and say “there there” or relate by saying “yeah, like at my work place....” but… there is no empathy, there is no understanding.

In some ways I can’t blame her. She hasn’t looked for a job in ten years. She’s too afraid to try. Meanwhile, I’m working my ass off in a job I hate while trying desperately (maddeningly) to get a real job… one that uses my advanced degree. And every time I hear that I’m not experienced enough… and then have to come back to the job I hate… where I’m not gaining any of the experience I need… it’s devastating. I honestly can’t think of a better word to describe it. It is devastating. And it certainly isn’t like Wife understands, or gets it, or knows how to deal with the fact that now I’m feeling strong emotions.
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Because I’ve been working so hard and so much here… and because my wife won’t/doesn’t even give back rubs.... my body is absolutely killing me with pain. I need to go see a doctor to renew my Rx which runs out in a week… because I have time to do that. I need to hit the gym so I can do some form of Physical Therapy stuff.... because I have time to do that.
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And frankly, I’m pretty angry about the “No Experience” bullshit.
I literally prosecuted cases! Because of me, there are people in jail.
I am in court, on the record, almost every day. I’ve been to more arraignments than most prosecutors see in their whole careers! I have more face-time with inmates than entire Public Defenders offices! But according to apparently every attorney with whom I’ve interviewed… I have exactly zero law experience. Everything I’ve done officially doesn’t count. It. Is. Infuriating.
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So… since I honestly know that I can’t cry in the jail (seriously, that would instantly put me in even MORE danger… because being locked in a room with heavy books and computers, 14 inmates at a time, and no security devices or Correction Officers isn’t dangerous enough!) but since I have to keep it together… I sent this message to my wife:
“I kind of really want to just break down and sob for a few hours straight. Everything has finally 100% gotten to me.
The dark shit I hear about at work (like today, hearing about how a guy brutally tortured and murdered his dog)
This empty, devastating feeling that the longer I go without getting legal experience, the harder it will be to get a law job because they are looking for experience.
The draining, soul sucking elements of the Law Library.
My shattered body wracked with pain.
I just… kind of want to sob for days.”
And… not surprisingly… I’ve received no response. Nothing. Not even a “hang in there” or “I love you.” Simply the cold non-response of silence. And I hate it. I hate that she’s like that, I hate that I still want to try to make our marriage work, I hate that she’s requiring I get a job before she goes to counseling. It’s all so exhausting. But… at least she agrees that a lot of our marriage issues are on her. That isn’t me being an overbearing dick demanding that the Wife has all the problems and I’m pristine and innocent. That’s just… Wife realizes that her emotional responses, complete lack of empathy, and abject refusal of intimacy are really hurting the marriage. If only she’d do something about it.
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OF COURSE fucking B shift assholes. What corrections doesn’t realize is that when the Corrections Officers act like assholes, it makes the law library issue a pain in the ass. And here’s why. When a B shift guy decides policy for the law library… he is overreaching. But I don’t have the power to slap him down. I can’t tell him he has to do things a certain way because that’s not how it works here. I have to send it up the ranks. By the time it gets to somebody with power, they don’t give a shit. So… when B Shift Lazy Asshole tells me he only wants to bring one housing unit down at a time… I get to spend twice as long in the law library to get half as much done. And then Head of Corrections says she doesn’t have the staff to help out? Really? Cuz it is your staff’s laziness that prevents my department (read: staff of one) from being able to get our work done.

It certainly doesn’t help when it takes forever to get inmates down here. 20 to 30 minutes? That won’t fly. And don’t even get me started about re-calling! If I called you, requested 3 inmates, and have to call you again to either (1) make sure they are coming down or (2) figure out what the hell is going on.... dude, you have responsibilities. If the inmates refuse, you have to call to tell me. Because then I can call other housing units. Just leaving me here waiting… only to recall you wondering if there really were THAT many refusals or if you just didn’t feel like doing you job.... frustrating, ineffective, and really shoots the Law Library in the foot.
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Grumble grumble. Another problem of working in such a “secured facility” but not actually having any security or even a locker/space of my own? I don’t get lunch breaks. I don’t get to just pop over to the break room and eat. I have to go downstairs, deposit my key, collect my things, get buzzed through the interlock (twice), walk over to the Programs building down the street, and THEN I can do lunch. It is too much of a hassle so I just… don’t. But I can tell that today is a day where that is going to be a problem. Because I am fucking famished!
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Maybe Wife woke up in a bad mood. Or maybe she’s pissed off because we had an argument last night. Or something. Because on Facebook, I made my status item #1 from above. And Wife’s response was “Well now that you are working law library you work much more closely and more often with the inmates. I think that it what is making you spiral so quickly. Also you’ve only been working the library for a few weeks. If you feel this pissed off and this defeated I don’t think you can continue to “help them out” for the next 6 months until we move.”

Maybe I’m reading it wrong, maybe I’m reading too much into it. It just kind of feels like she’s minimizing. Because… seriously… for 4 years I’ve had to see and hold the pictures of dogs being starved to death; I’ve had to hear the details of 3 year old girls getting raped; I’ve heard more graphic murder stories in court than most newscasters hear in their line of work. Ultimately, I think the Law Library has just made me more exhausted and run-ragged… so all of that dark, horrible shit is getting to me for that reason. Because… it is hard work not letting all of that dark, horrible shit get to you. But I’ll say the last sentence of her response is what I take most objection to. I probably am reading it wrong but it almost has a sense of challenge to it If you feel this pissed off and this defeated. Uhm… yeah. That just… sticks in my craw. Because… this isn’t a shitty job at Wal Mart. I am literally the only person doing this job. This isn’t rude customers. This is 14 convicted felons surrounding my desk and hovering over me. This isn’t unhelpful management. This is my bosses specifically saying “It isn’t our responsibility.” I don’t know. But really? If I were to be honest… the thing that really gets me… is that 6 Months line. She may not realize it but by saying next 6 months until we move; she is expressly stating that she does not think I will find a job. Point Blank. If she thinks we are going to be in Nebraska for the next 6 months and then move… it means she does not believe I will be able to get a job. And that sucks.

BTW… she commented on that Facebook post… but I still haven’t heard a peep out of her on the message I sent her about being so emotionally drained. That’s my loving and supportive wife!

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Not surprising since I still haven’t had a lunch break of any kind (and I’ve been working since 9 am… and it is now 3 pm) but.... I’m still pretty damned hungry.
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And moments like this are why this job both sucks and is full of action.
4 guys in the library. Not that much. Typically, something I can handle. Oh… how difficult it is when people expect me to be their lawyers.
First Guy: “How can they charge me and my co-defendant with different things?”
(internally I’m thinking that question is so stupid I could feel a brain cell die simply from hearing it) However… maybe it is this guy’s first offense or he has other issues so I try to explain it clearly without being condescending.
First Guy: No, see, I got this book (slams down copy of yet-another book marketing itself to criminals by saying “everything you need to know that your lawyer won’t tell you.” These books pop up like mosquitoes in summer, are twice as annoying, and three times as harmful since usually the advice translates to “never let your attorney do their job, get in everybody’s way, eventually they will just get sick of you.” HATE these books. Anyway… tangent over)
First Guy: (slams down book)… and in this book they said Parsimony. So I know that ain’t right.
Me: Parsimony is typically for sentencing. You’re upset about the charges. Parsimony has nothing to do with your case.
Cue 25 minute “discussion” where I’m trying to explain to him that my Google Search is giving him better, more accurate, more informational answers then his stupid fucking book. It doesn’t sink in. He walks away muttering with his head still buried in that awful, reader-harming book.

Second Guy: Someone in South Dakota has a protection order out against me and I need to fight it.
(internally I’m thinking: sir, you’re in jail. You’ll be here for several more months. Fighting it will cost you money and time. Or you can decide to not fight it because you’re in jail. It isn’t like the protection order gets lifted and you can run and see them. And, as they filed the protection order against you, I doubt very much that they would be looking forward to phone calls or letters from you.)
What I Actually Say: Sir, even if this were in any way a place where we could help with legal work, you would still need to get a South Dakota attorney to fight that in the state.
Second Guy: I don’t want to use an attorney. That’s why I’m here.
Me: So… you want… I guess I’m confused.
Second Guy: I want you to tell me how to fight this.
HEAD: DESK
Cue 15 minute conversation explaining how we can’t do that. I’m a librarian to you, not a lawyer, not a law professor. Even if I were a lawyer, like I said previously, you would still need to get someone in South Dakota. Or don’t. You’re in jail! You can’t attend the hearing in South Dakota about the matter anyway.

Third Guy.... he is someone I feel bad for. HE is why we have a law library… and unfortunately guys like that are the significant minority in the law library. This kid was arrested in August under a Robbery charge. Usually, I’d say- yeah, fuck him. Because robbery requires the use or threat of violence… and there is too much violence in our city. But here’s the deal. Every time this kid has a preliminary hearing to establish the minimum evidence required to hold him? Prosecutor witnesses don’t show up. So the case is dismissed. And then the prosecutor re-files the next day! So this kid has been in the jail since August on charges that still have never gone past a preliminary hearing. Hell, I tend to think like a prosecutor and even I think the Prosecutor’s Office is acting like an asshole on this!

And now? As we’re waiting for a CO to come down and take these guys back? Guy One is running around the library, swearing, yelling, getting worked up… he literally just said “I’m gone tear shit up!” And here I sit. Waiting for someone with inmate training to come and deal with this shit.
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Oooooo.... interviews. I have to go into the housing unit. At least THERE I have a guard with me who literally is between me and the inmates. Which was DAMNED necessary today!
I step into Mod 4. One of the inmates rushes me. He is very upset that his Mod was called in to the Law Library while he was otherwise occupied. That’s just how it is. We call the housing units randomly (as a security precaution to prevent fights, smuggling, escapes) and if you can’t be arsed to come when your mod is called… boo fucking hoo. The world doesn’t revolve around individual needs. The whole time I’m trying to do my RAP interview… that prisoner was there. Staring me down. Trying to yell at me. Telling me to call him in for a special hour of Just Him Library time. After you rush me like that? Fuck you. I mean… no, in general… you are not a special and unique snowflake that gets to be catered to… but after you rush me? Fuck you.
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I’m taking credit for getting through 13 housing units today. Granted 4 of those were empty; but fuck it. I’m taking credit for it. Because out of 29 Housing Units, I’ll take any “victories” I can get. Especially since that comes along with the happy heaping dose of Court this morning and 4 more “urgent inmate interviews.” Besides… actually getting through as many Housing Units as I did? That should be considered a genuine success… shit, I should be thanked for getting all of that done in just one day. Instead… they’ll likely bitch. Because (3) Court, (3) Interviews, and (11) Law Library? Yeah… I put in 17 hours today. I’m leaving the Law Library at 9:00!… I am so feking hungry.
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And because I want to share SOMETHING that isn’t depressing… here is a quality (and sexy as hell) Mileena Cosplay attributed to Mileen Hayes (via MK Facebook)

In general… I am certainly of the opinion that CosPlay done well… is hott.