NoJoMo 1 in NoJoMo 2015

I was fortunate enough to be invited to a Halloween party last night. Everyone was a stranger except the core group I was with but that never stops me. Eventually got into a few conversations with some of the other party goers and had some fun. There was one girl who was painted up in the face with a skull and was in knee high boots with a grey dress. She was cute and I attempted at least twice to weasel my way into a conversation. The wallflower type, sitting there alone, petting the animals dressed in costume, silently smoking her cigarette people watching. What really weirded me out is that there was a girl dressed up as Clark Kent with her shirt unbuttoned to reveal a Superman logo. That’s not what go to me, what did it is she looked a lot like my ex Melissa. In fact I had to do a double take and stare for a moment when I first saw her. It wasn’t.

Got into my contemplative thinking cycle on the drive home. I had to drop off two friends as I am still sober (though I did smoke my weight in pot that was provided by a guy dressed like Morty.) Again the, “Gee it would have been nice to talk to a female/show up with a female.” Seeing the Clark/Melissa girl got me to thinking about her some. It hurt when we broke up but in the long run, looking back, I can tell she wasn’t happy. Mostly because of pot smoking, no matter how much she denied it, I know. I’m no stranger to this freak show. Though I think I’m happier when single.

Compromise and all that jack. I get it. I’m willing. But in the end I like being me for me. I had a girl once try to change everything about me and I ended up hating her when we broke up because I was not what she wanted. I refused to change. If someone can’t accept me for who I am then they don’t need to be in my life.

Friend or lover.

Later on when what I call, “my sleep adventure,” seeing how I have unusual dreams all the time now, I attended another party. No one knew me and by the time it was over everyone loved me. The sentiment was a nice touch but really not necessary. I’m not sure what my subconscious was trying to tell me but it was definitely good to get out of the house for a while and mingle with people my age, no matter how plastered they were.

My second dream, however, was about the grocery store. I’ve been unemployed for two months now and start my new (temp) job tomorrow till something better comes along. I’m still waiting on two leads to get back to me about entry level machinist positions, but that’s another story for another day. In my dream I walked up to the deli and saw my old coworkers, said my hi’s how are you’s and goodbye’s. Then I ran into her, Melissa. I can not recall if anything was said but it was pleasant. When I finally woke up I wasn’t depressed or upset. Think I’m finally coming to terms with it all, even if it was over a year ago.

You may ask why I get so bent out of shape. I have years of pent up mistrust and hatred for all humanity that lurks deep within me. Over the last year of therapy I’ve worked at building my self esteem and learning the true meaning of practicing the benefit of a doubt. Not everyone is out to screw me over and people can be good, albeit misguided. There was more to the party dream that actually involved an old friend of mine throwing a girl down to the ground and him getting his ass beat yet the last time I spoke with him he still hasn’t learned the concept of responsibility and blames all his foolish and dangerous actions on others. If Alcoholics Anonymous taught me one thing its to man up and accept responsibility for my actions. I’m quick to apologize now when I know that I am in the wrong and try to treasure the friendships that I do have as I don’t let people in very easily. Which is why I felt so crushed when Melissa told me she wanted to date others. That I had not been in a relationship for seven years as I thought they were pointless and would only leave me hurt.

All in all it was a good night and am ready to start making money again. Though I’m creaming my pants for a Playstation 4 and Fallout 4, I still need new tires and new rear brakes.

-J.E.