crap afternoon/evening in Days of My Destiny

I was a shit parent tonight. They pushed it also. Fuck daylight savings, it makes bedtime SO HARD. So on the weekend I separated the girls' beds (their beds have been side by side all year), as a way to allow M some independence. But this means that I can no longer lay in the middle to read stories or sing songs, so we have decided to do this in the lounge room. Of course, because Little L didn't sleep today, she was tired by 7:30, which is still daytime, but anyhow we had already had dinner and they'd had a bath already by that time, so we sat in the lounge room and read stories. Then I sang songs. Last night they sat beside me and cuddled me as I sang, but tonight they were restless, it was hot, etc, so I got them to lay down on the carpet and relax. Except that they didn't relax, they started rolling around like crazy and kicking each other and M had the laugh that says she was in an annoying mood. And by 7:30 to be honest, I was ready for bed!!!! So my patience wasn't at its best, plus I was still holding on to my anger about Little L's general chaos today. (She went outside super early this morning all by herself and let the chooks out all by herself. She is not allowed to do this because of a - potential snakes, and b - because we need to put the dog on the back verandah first, or else he will chase the chooks. He killed on recently. Then she didn't sleep even though she OBVIOUSLY really needed to sleep, she was exhausted. Then while I was hanging the washing, she went in the chook pen real quick and then began to cry. I went to see what happened and she'd scratched her leg on something. But it turned out that she'd picked up some eggs that the chooks have been sitting on for a couple of weeks now and she dropped one which meant it cracked. The chooks had left the eggs so they could eat. I just lost it then, and this was shortly before bathtime.) In the lounge room, I ended up warning M that if she kept on provoking L to do the wrong thing, then she would have to go straight to bed. Well she kept on going, so I followed through. Then I took L to bed. It was still daylight, but fuck, I REALLY NEEDED THE DAY TO END. I really needed a bit of quiet. Now usually if they can't sleep, they'll stay up for an hour or so, playing in their room, or talking and laughing and it's NO BIG DEAL. But then there's the odd night when they keep coming out of their room to ask me or tell me something. Usually it's that they've just got out of control and ended up hurting themselves by accident, or that they need water, or they need to pee, or fucking ANYTHING just to be out of their room and in my face again. Sometimes - ie on days where I've had good rest, good diet and water and we've all generally had a great afternoon - I have all the patience in the world for it. But other times - ie when I've had a terrible sleep the night before, a long and hot stinking day and general unsettledness - I just can't do it. So they kept coming out for whatever reason tonight and I told them to just go to bed. M outright said she couldn't sleep. Whenever this happens I always tell her to just read a book quietly in her room, or just lay there nice and still and close her eyes and sleep will come. It was no different tonight, but no. In the end I told her that if she came out ONE MORE TIME, she would get a smack. She went back to her room and about ten minutes later, she came out again. Like seriously. I said, "WHAT." She goes, "L has a sore bum bum." I just couldn't even register that at first and said, "Why did you think it was okay to come out here?" But then I registered what she said so I went to their room to check on L. She was laying there on her bed without her pants or undies on. There was crap EVERYWHERE in the room. Clothes, toys, books, and there was even a little toy stool in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!!!!! And that was when I lost it. I just gave them smacks and swore my head off in Spanish and then in English told them that THEY chose the consequences, that I gave them PLENTY of warnings and bla bla bla. I hate my voice when I've been rousing on them for so many different things all afternoon. Some things you can ignore. Other days we are all cool and calm, but then there's other days, like these, when I AM GODDAMN EXHAUSTED AND NEED A BREAK, when it just feels like there's hell to pay if they even so much as THINK about coming out of their room for the thousandth time. Why am I doing this alone?!?! I mean seriously, fuck afternoon shift. And why the hell don't they just LISTEN?!?!? The sun was well and truly down by the time this all happened, in the end, the sun had set about half an hour before this, and we had done the singing and reading an hour and a half beforehand!!!!! L didn't sleep today, why the FUCK didn't she just GO TO SLEEP already!!!!!

Ahhhhh. It just feels like this whole afternoon has been shit and I KNOW it's because I'm TIRED. Why is it so hard for a tired mother to just get a break..... I mean come ON, already. And so by the time the girls HAVE ACTUALLY FALLEN ASLEEP (which was about two minutes after I lost my shit, by the way), it's 9:16PM!!! Which for me is LATE, because it only leaves me about ONE HOUR to do the things I want AND need to do (two separate lists), and then I will shower and probably not go to sleep until 11pm or after, and then L will be home at 1am, which means I will be woken up two hours after going to sleep, after a very long and exhausting day...... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And because I am who I am, what happens in reality is that I DON'T do any of the things that need to be done, NEITHER do I do any of the things I would've LIKED to do.... which means that anything left undone only rolls over into the next day..... and because I know what's on the cards for the next day, it just gets overwhelming and I get pissed off at it all and rebel. Fuck it. Fuck all of it, let's live in this cluttered mess and keep on living with a cluttered mind until who knows when. Let's just go to bed late anyway and be reckless, you're aging anyway, a few hours of lost sleep isn't going to do any major damage.

(I can so see that this was probably how my dad felt all those years. Except in a whole other dimension because he was a workaholic)

Tomorrow will be a better day.