Back hurts, tired. in Since OD is shutting down....

This 6 days a week thing is going to kill me. I am so tired and don’t even know how I continue to make it work everyday. I’m still super happy to be back, but I’m just so tired and on the verge of a crash and burn. I was at home and in bed by 11 last night and slept like a rock. I’m still tired though. My back on the right side hurts something fierce today and it’s driving me crazy. It’s getting better though. I have to work 10:30-7:30 on Saturday but I’m hoping to get cut early so I can go with to take my niece trick or treating. But it probably won’t happen because it’s Halloween and our busiest night of the year.

I still haven’t heard from Dan and I’m totally okay with this. He was off yesterday. Honestly, I’m just so fucking glad to be away from him and all the bullshit. I am just so over him and that dog. I honestly hope things just stay where they’re at because I’m so much better off. I’m not going to be in a sexless relationship and deal with someone who makes their dog their top priority. I think Dan has a lot of issues within himself that he needs to work out before trying to be with anyone. I know I care for him but every time we are hanging out again, it’s the exact same shit as before. There’s no changing someone or the way they are and I just can’t accept things like this.

Relationships are nothing more than stress, headache, and bullshit. I know that I’m really not the relationship type and don’t want anything long term with anyone. I used to be so lonely and all I ever wanted was someone to call my own but now I think I’ve just been through too much to keep trying. I also want to be with someone who isn’t just going to shut down at the sign of problems. I need someone I can communicate with and someone that understands that things aren’t going to be all their way and that I have my own mind and feelings too.

I also want someone that pays for shit. I don’t mind whatsoever paying for myself but when I’m also paying for them, it’s really weird and makes me feel used. I seriously can’t just blow money like I was expected to with him. I got so frustrated when I’d bitch about money and my bills but he would still want me to pay for food when we went out! It was just crazy to me and didn’t make any sense, especially when it would be HIS idea to get food from somewhere!!! It’s like the other night, I did say I’d buy dinner somewhere but then he suggests a place that’s way more expensive that didn’t take debit cards so I had to use the ATM and was charged $3 to take money out!!!

All I know is I’m a very strong willed, verbal person and I don’t want to be in another relationship where I’m supposed to be nothing more than a doormat that doesn’t have my own mind because that’s when I can feel my self confidence going to shit. I don’t want that again. I want someone that’s able to handle me at full throttle. Someone who can handle a strong female without getting pissed and slamming my car doors and acting crazy!!! I am not going to just put up with whatever because the minute I say something, they get mean and rude!!!

I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to get away from someone and if we have this many problems 2 months into it, then we are better off leaving it where it’s at. I honestly can’t keep doing this shit where we are good for awhile and then we’re back to this shit again. I think it’s bullshit that I know I’ve left a couple of things at his house and he doesn’t even bother to let me know when I can come for them but it’s stuff that’s cheap to replace and yet another reason why I don’t leave my stuff anywhere. I went out of my way to get ahold of him the other day so he could get his shirt so it’s bullshit he can’t do that for me. Oh well.

It’s super cold today and my hands are freezing as I type. I need to shower but I’m waiting until I get warm. I have like 5 hours before I have to work so I might take a little nap. I’m just tired, burnt out, and wish I could spend a week laying in my bed eating food.

More later.