June in The Wonderland Years: 2013

‘5th ‘5th

I’ve just now realised this over the last few months. And. The interesting thing is I’ll be 26 in August..........yeah go me. Can I stay 25 forever? please? It’s a good year enjoy it damnit! It’s like those ladies who turn 30 and say they’re 29. well evidently I ‘don’t look a day over 21’. I’m obviously old enough to drink. I’ve told my sister I want a new fedora and a um. dreamcatcher. I’ve told my parents I want music, a pocket watch, something meaningful and something w/ an eagle on it. My dad has an eagle wind chime I’ve told him I wanted that he might give me. for my 26th. [and on that note he also has a pocket watch my mom’s dad gave him]. So really not a lot. Oh I also want cupcakes. well ok a cupcake. For my 27th I want. a guitar. yeah 25’s been good. a lot’s happened. and hard too. 19 was also good..........17, um. wasn’t. So enjoy being 25. damnit!’

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**’But first I gotta get myself together. Start taking more vitamins and herbs and start writing really writing......processing.....externalizing stuff from my past. Before I can do anything else. Otherwise it won’t work.

I’ve had this idea in the back of my mind for awhile. I never finished college. Actually the reason I went was to try it out. as I recall. I took 4 courses my favorite being sociology [lookit me all ‘miss college talk and lingo’]. I never had the usual college experience of living in a dorm though I did in boarding school. Do people do that when they’re like, 30? [no I’m seriously asking]. Ya know?
I’ve always had a general idea of what I want to do w/ my life and that’s helping people. I also love music. a lot. a lot a lot. Like I said I really liked sociology. I had this idea of taking a painting class over the summer but financially that just won’t work right now. I know a lot of people are either on[?] financial aid or spend years paying back their student loans. Also, I’m currently in transistion, so. [of course more on this later]. But like I said. not yet.’

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‘6th**

I’ve always been soulfully inclined, beautiful or otherwise. Pat did too. And Evan. I’ve recently discovered. that beautiful souls can’t just be seen or heard. They have to be felt and experienced. I ran into one the other day down, LeAnne. she played her guitar said she’d only been playing 6 months [well that’s better than me I haven’t been playing for 2 weeks]. She was soulful and beautiful and amazing. and cool and nice. She played ‘for what it’s worth’, ‘what a wonderful world’, ‘sitting on the dock of the bay’ and ‘summertime’ [the song from ‘porgy & bess’]. And then on another day, when I was by Whole Foods I saw this girl sitting by a tree. And while there wasn’t nothing all that extraordinary about her physicality she was another one of those beautiful souls. And she was someone I was supposed to run into though we didn’t exchange any words.’

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‘8th**

1st Year: get my stuff together. Start taking more vitamins/herbs, Processing/writing/externalizing.dealing w/ stuff. By which I mean the abuse I’ve gone through all these years. Do more stuff w/ my art. Photography, drawing, writing, painting, collag-ing, mixed media. Learn the guitar.

2nd Year: get a part time night job. Stocking shelves or something. And then after that I’ma get my own place - [hopefully. once I’ve saved up enough] - w/ damn good locks [i’m not ready to go into why atm], So by the time I’m 28.........I’ll be set.’

‘I’ve an art site up now. It’s just for family but I’m going to have another one up, for friends. I have the same w/ emails now. btw if anyone reading wants my new email let me know]

For the email it won’t let me send/reply yet since every time I try it tells me I have to verify it which is what I keep doing. I know why it’s happening it’s just annoying. I’ve been playing around w/ exposure on my camera. And taking photos in black and white. I really like black and white. I know the chords of the guitar. and that’s it. Oh and I tuned it w/ the tuner thingy Evan left. uhm. But the chords shown on it don’t match the ones I looked up online. Like, they’re out of order I mean. It took me about 2 weeks to get comfortable w/ Evan’s guitar. which didn’t have a sound hole thingy. I figure it’ll take about that long w/ my mom’s the one I’m currently borrowing. hers is a Gibson, wooden. [actually the one Evan gave me was his friend’s........which. I now don’t have]. I think the correct way to play it is for the thicker strings to be at the bottom. right?.........i’m right handed if that’s any kindof a factor. so yeah.’

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**’Um. So about a month ago Evan moved out of my place. as did I. and no we didn’t move in together. I moved into my mom’s/[well, ok, my parents’]. Which is where I’m staying untill I move elsewhere [more on that later]. I’m not sure where he’s at currently. I’ve not seen him in about a month. My parents’ don’t trust him ever since they found out about his past [not ready to go into it nor do I want to] and also ever since they think he’s an alcoholic.um. he’s not. [on that note I haven’t been drinking since I moved. doesn’t mean I’ve quit. my mom evidently had a bad alcohol-related experience when she was little. Another reason she doesn’t know I’m an alcoholic. She/they also doesn’t/don’t know that I smoke only that he does/did. they’re seemingly of the opinion that pot = bad. I.think]. I haven’t contacted him although I’ve wanted to. I got a new phone # bc my mom wanted me to so he couldn’t phone me and then bc of a lightning storm here [CO] got another new one. I’ve not heard from in about a month. I might run into him at Pride which is next weekend I don’t know I FB-ed him awhile back and said something about inviting him. But we’re bound to run into each other once again one of these days. since we already did. I’ve missed the hell out of him. he’s been in my dreams lately. Apparently according to what I looked up online he went to high school in TN then in Ft. Collins, then 2 colleges here. He told me Liv [his ex Olivia] and him met in the Springs when she was 15 and he was 22 he hasn’t heard from her in 3 yrs. she talked about college when they met even though she was 4 yrs. away from it. he’s lived in Ft. Collins, Woodland Park and apparently TN and Georgia [the state not the country].I.guess. I still trust him more than I have anyone in a long time. Apparently April 8th was when he eluded to the fact that he was in love w/ me. wow.’

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**’and/or. anorexia pills 20 2 days 20 benadryl 3 cups of wine.

Yeah so on May 3, a Friday I almost died. rather, I was dying. Evan was there. We got into an argument about sex or lack thereof which sent me spinning and triggered me and I ‘went places’ so I was already drunk off 3 cups of wine and hadn’t eaten in 2 days and OD’d on Benadryl. yeah. it was really fukin awful. I’d always been curious as to what that would be like and now I know. my god. I remember being very cold the coldest I’ve been in awhile and bleeding from my mouth and being sick. which looking back was probably good since that way I could get the stuff I’d ingested out of me. I was hella dizzy too. We stayed at my place. Evidently I must’ve passed out at some point. the next morning he made me breakfast. And then for like, a week after that I was so much more aware of everything. I was ‘born again’ in a sense. I wanted people to know stuff about me bc they should’ve. I wanted to take everything in everything was so new to me. and now not so much. And then during like. the 2 weeks after I had 4 NDEs, which were much more pleasant and wonderful than actually dying. yeah btw OD-ing on that much fukin Benadryl is a horrible way to go. speaking from experience. So during that time I started typing letters to my parents, sister and Evan telling them all what I really thought. Evan’s the only one who knows about the letters [as/since I obviously trust him. like, a lot]. they’re in my computer [which btw is password-protected bc I don’t trust people. other than Evan I mean. um but that’s another ballpark]. so that happened.’

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**’mourning. lilies. time.

Crying Eagle was Pat’s/Sage’s Native American name. apparently. You know, it ocurred to me the other day that Evan really hasn’t had time to mourn. And neither have I. for me........for Sage. And now I hope he has that time. I’ve been thinking a lot about Sage lately. every damn day I miss him. There are white roses [apparently according to the smell] in someone’s yard 2 blocks from my mom’s - those people have had flowers in their yard for as long as I can remember - um and every time I go by them I stop a few seconds longer than I would any other flower. in honor of. Sage. yellow roses are my favorite, of the.roses. [I like peonies too. and hydrangeas. irises. jasmines. lilies. sunflowers. pansies. hibiscus. lilacs. and so on]. Whenever I’ve heard live music lately I’ve felt him. Sage. it makes sense he went on karaoke night bc of how much he loves/d music. more than I do
he had the bluest eyes. like Liz Taylor eyes. he was one of the most compassionate people I’ve ever met. sweet, understanding, deep. intelligent, philosophical. imperfect. an alcoholic. curious. and so very alive. he felt everything so incredibly deeply. like me. good singer too. he was a beautiful soul and he saw them. well he saw souls beautiful or otherwise. Recently [within the last few months] Evan gave me what was once a flower but is now in pieces in a small Altoids tin that Sage had given Evan and someone had given Sage up in Boulder. Um if I were to get a tattoo - which I’m not - or 2. I’d get. a lily for my mom [since that’s what her name means. that, and other reasons] and a crying eagle w/ the bluest eyes,for.Sage. Ya know, it’s funny. I go on FB expecting to see his updates and then I realise oh, wait. that’s right. he left us March 13 of this year. I keep wanting to talk to him. which I can and/but.I can’t. feel his physicality be around him. I was happy at his service which surprised me. I was the first one who got up and talked about him. he was one of my best friends. i’ve never known tragedy. untill now.

“the most beautiful things end in sadness” - my dad, some dream.’

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**‘10th

So today about 20 mins after I’d woken up [which was at 1:50 p.m.] I discovered my sister and her boyfriend Leo were leaving for D.C. today.er.I think it’s today. She was all sad. I gave her 2 hugs and when Leo asked for one I gave him one too. My mom’s sad too.

I’m not going to miss my sister as much as people think. though it’ll be weird not having them around. For the past few weeks Leo was working for my parents, doing painting on the house exterior. He got a job in D.C. which is why they’re moving. Oh before they go to D.C. they’re stopping by Missouri where we have family. I’ve not bene in years. It’s really boring, actually. Well the country part is which is where my relatives are.at. It’s a place to go if you’re big into outdoor activities. oh it’s also my dad’s birthday. He gave me a pocket watch [i’m going to start collecting them. the first one I had was my ex’s which I don’t. seemingly have anymore. or the bear he got me damnit]. My dad gave my sister a watch I’m not sure what he got Kate and Leo. I didn’t get him - my dad that is - anything though I signed the card Kate and I got him Friday which we gave to him Saturday at my mom’s show. which was good. I’m not really all that sad about it. It just reminds me of the various losses I’ve gone through the past almost-year: there was the sex abuse, the breakup, then Pat and then Evan’

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‘oh and if anyone ever asks just tell them we met in jail. it’s a Frank Turner thing.

thought of this within the past 24 hrs. Um. So, as put. if anyone asks they’re the ones who killed me. Who drove me to the point of destruction and drinking and not eating. and well dying. By which I mean all the stuff I’ve gone through are the reasons behind why I do what I do. I know part of it’s chemical as well and just daily there are factors that contribute to me eating more or less the weather’s one of them. er. .......I don’t eat bc of something someone said/did/how I feel. yeah there we go that’s better. You know like in the movie Virgin Suicides I guess the dutch elm trees had beetles on them which apparetly made the trees sick - although please correct me if I’m wrong here. And according to one of the daughters in the movie if the trees hadn’t had the beetles then they woudln’t’ve gotten sick to begin w/. paraphrasing here. Yeah my life’s the same way. You eliminate the ‘beetles’, as it were and the ‘trees’ recover. It’s actually a very apt metaphor. it’s actually a very simple concept.’

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**’no I don’t need sleep’