Pensive in 2015

I find my mind in an odd place this evening, sitting here reading through entries (and listening to sirens up and down the road every few minutes - normal). Not in a bad mood at all. Just.... I’m not really sure of the word I’m looking for.

I was supposed to go to an assessment appointment today for a physical therapist about my knee....or probably knees at this point. They’ve become noticeably more painful, and more frequently painful, just the past few weeks. I have a physical in about three weeks, and hopefully that will shed some light on the causes. But I missed the appointment because I had to work late. Instead of getting off at noon, I clocked out at 1:45....and the appointment was at 1. So I’ll have to reschedule. I’ve hit…almost 41 hours this week, and that’s in four shifts. I work 3-11pm tomorrow evening, but a closing shift will put me more like 12:30-1 if the past few were any indication....unless my manager just kicks me out. Thankfully, my schedule will be changing next week, and that’ll help. I’ll be working mostly 9-6/7, or occasionally 10/11-7, and that’ll help me some, I think. But I do think, after the first of the year, I’m going to start the job hunting process again...... I just don’t know what I’m really going to be looking for.

I need to do better with a lot of things. Health, food, and money management for practical things, and I’m making progress there. But.... the big thing is just… consistency. With everything. Writing. Reading. Communication. Cooking and eating better. Sleep habits. Habits in general. I’m a creature of habit in a lot of ways, and I very much need to change some bad habits I’ve sunk into the past year or so. It’s made me too…insular. Too....distant and disconnected. It’s easy to blame it on the chronic exhaustion and a horrible ability to multitask, but that’s not good enough. I need to make a lot of changes.

I might consider doing NoJoMo again this year. I’ve only done it once before, and it might be good for me. Even if I don’t do it officially, I might try it. And the more consistently I’m on here, the better I’ll be about reading and replying, as well. And hopefully spreading out and finding some new people, too. That would be good.

Fear can be a powerful thing for some people. Some are motivated more by… anger, pride. Stubbornness. Some just by…practicality and pragmatism. For me, it’s typically been a tug of war between fear and depression-fueled apathy. It tends to keep my inside my own head too much, and that definitely needs to change. Probably more than any other single thing....