Infinity in Random Thoughts

Somehow i feel as if i don’t stop. I can’t even imagine how people with families have time to themselves (maybe they don’?). Trying to keep regular yoga and trips to the gym, on top of a normal work week, and going to bed at 9ish seems to fill my whole day. I am trying to make sure to add in daily reading for my yoga intensive class, along with meditation and chanting… its crazy!

Then, there is how often i am gone on the weekends, or just plain busy. Last weekend it was Em’s wedding in Bellingham (a 6 hr drive north because of traffic through Seattle), the weekend before was a 3 day weekend in Eugene with Dios, the weekend before was… egads, who knows.... of yeah, the music festival in Seattle and the weekend before i took a personal day off and drove down to Lake Tahoe with Dios. Geez.

At least this weekend i am home, with a girls night planned to see Florence and the Machine with my lady friends. And maybe a special class on Friday night. Though, i really should just take the time to myself and lay on the couch all night.

Last Thursday i was sick and called in for a sub. I ended up randomly watching a new Netflix series called “Jane the Virgin,” which is a play off telenovellas and quite entertaining. It was fun to lay on the couch with my kitty and veg out.

So, i took Dios to the town that i love the most- Bellingham. Kevin never even joined me in the 3 years we were together. I was afraid K would have been mean and ruined it for me. While Dios was a little moody from having such a long annoying drive north, he was also talking about a future visit where we could have our own time and i could show him everything i love. (This time we were there for about 36 hours, and most of it was taken up by eating food and Em’s wedding).

So, a while back… perhaps 6 weeks ago i was laying in Dios’ bed, kind of miserable. I had something on my mind and it was really affecting my mood. In my heart and brain was brewing the thought that this was not working for the two of us, and that he liked me more than i liked him… that i was going to have to end it before it got too far.

this shows one of my weaknesses- communication. i should never get to the point where i am that distressed. its only fair to the both of us to be open with how i feel

So, Dios is next to me in bed and says something to the affect of, “i think you are amazing, sexy, smart, etc. You are awesome, but i am not sure we are each other’s awesome.” I cried, of course, but admitted i felt the same way. We talked a little and continued with our day.

But, the relief. It was like a load was lifted from my shoulders, my brain, my heart. It was devastating and lightening at the same time. When i drove home and spent the rest of Sunday alone, i was so hurt, agitated, (using that word again), devastated. I kept thinking, “what did i do wrong, why was i not the right one?”

Fast forward one weekend and Dios is up visiting me. We hike in the Portland hills with his dog, Maggie, have delicious breakfast. It was one of those perfect weekends, i kept thinking that this is the way it should have been from the beginning. I was less worried about what i said and how i said it, less misinterpretation of his intent (an adaptation i learned as a child that worked then, but does not work now). His moodiness was almost 100% gone. At the end of the weekend we were both like, “what the heck was that???”

Weird, huh? Most of the time we have spend since we had that little conversation has been amazing. Tmi, here… but we finally broke through the orgasm barrier. I had my first full body vaginal orgasm and it was mind blowing. Now, when he leaves me or i leave him i feel a void, sadness, emptiness.

I don’t know what happened, but it brought us closer? Part of it, for me, was that i feel like i finally came out from the veil of my relationship with Kevin. I had learned so many mal-adaptive emotional coping mechanisms. I mean, they worked in our relationship and kept me safe(ish).

Well, i have taken a good portion of the time i should be getting some early morning school work done. Writing has been good for my soul, i need to make sure to come back soon. I would really like to talk about the yoga philosophy i have been reading about and exploring.

Love to you all.