Weekend: Expectations & Realities. in Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era

I wanted to do something… different(?) for this. This weekend holds certain plans and expectations. I am certain some will be fulfilled, some will be missed, and some will be devastated.

As I write this on Friday morning… here is what has been discussed:
Wife has two days off in a row and then works 7 days in a row. She has been dreading it (therefore, already letting it bring her down) for several days now. Her two days off are Friday and Saturday (today and tomorrow.) She has declared that, because she will work so much coming up, she must make the days off count! I informed her, then, that when I arrive from work… she must know (and share with me) how she will make that happen. Because, lets be reasonable… many of us (and definitely her) will not follow through unless a plan and accountability are present. And as she is still asking me to be her Accountabili-Buddy; I want to help her with this. BUT… I also want her to keep in mind that she should also have some fun… and not strictly the Cell Phone Game variety. So, I also encouraged her to think of a date for tonight and we discussed attempting sober sex today. I must be honest… that last bit worries me. Partially because it has been a while since we’ve had sober sex… a long while, it feels… and I’m worried about our ability to connect and/or enjoy one another. Of course… there is another concern as well. (1) She’ll flat out refuse, even though we discussed it and “scheduled” it. I can easily imagine her saying no because of being too self-conscious without being excessively inebriated. (2) If she does say no… I’m worried that it will send my mind into a bit of a spiral. Looking for work for so long and receiving so many rejections is an experience and it can certainly do a number on a person’s self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. My wife, despite conversation and scheduling, rejecting me sexually/romantically/physically… I do worry will act as an arrow into the festering wound of that self-worth conflagration.

Saturday is also filled with promise. Wife and I will be meeting friends of ours for Oktoberfest Lunch and the food and beer will be fantastic. It is especially interesting because this same time last year when we all went to Oktoberfest Lunch… the big conversation focus was on how the Nebraska Bar screwed my friend hardcore. They told him he passed the bar; then the day before being sworn in, called to say they’d made a mistake… he had NOT passed.. he had missed by 3 points… and he would have to take the test again! So… yeah… big focus of the lunch last year. (He has since passed the bar and was allowed to keep his job.) After that lunch, some other friends invited Wife and I out to an evening event. This one is a bit odd. I have three friends that I’m not super close with anymore… I love them, I enjoy their company; but we were never super duper close. All three of them independently invited me to this thing on Saturday night. So… yay… they want to see me. But… the event is some dude’s going away party… and I don’t think I’ve ever met the man. Yes, it is being held at a bar… a hipster bar in the shi-shi art district of an Omaha Suburb… so at worst, Wife and I can just enjoy some drinks and duck out. But… my own social anxiety is already stirring. I didn’t used to be like this. I used to love mingling with people, hanging out, talking. Honestly, it all stopped when law school did. Moving TOWARDS something and taking successful active steps towards that goal helped me feel like… I could positively contribute to a party atmosphere. Now? I can just feel all of my social confidence is gone.

Sunday starts Wife’s big week o’ work… so I’ll try and be super helpful around the house. Meanwhile, I’ll be filling out job applications… researching Mental Health Courts… reading ProseBox… playing Destiny. We’ll see what happens!

Friday after work, I came home and Wife was doing Sudoku. For most of the afternoon. That’s fine. I encouraged her to remember that she wanted today to count and encouraged her to stick to that. I then played Destiny. Wife spent the afternoon with Sudoku, and Phone Games but then decided to go for a 15 minute run. Excellent! When she returned, she and I made meatloaf for dinner and spent the evening watching Stand Up comedy on her tablet and/or me playing Destiny. No sex. To be expected. I realize it isn’t me, it isn’t my fault… frankly, her refusal of sex when of sound and sober mind really has little to do with me. It is entirely wrapped up in her shitty self-image and nothing I say or do changes that for her. But… it does still suck. I get that my wife hates herself. I get that my wife hates herself and nothing I say or do will change that. But when she hates herself and is a self-focused narcissist (in her own way) then the only thing that exists for her is her self-hate. No affection for me; no desire for me… because it can’t compete with the passionate strength of her own self-doubt.

Saturday I tried to sleep in. Around 8 am, apparently, I was snoring so after the wife woke me up angrily a few times; she went into the living room to finish sleeping. I woke up around 11 and we went to Oktoberfest. It was nice to see people that we hand’t seen in a while. Good food, good beer, good people watching. The people watching is always the interesting thing for me. People of every kind come out and it shows a few interesting things… one of the more notable is that (much like with clothing options and makeup; there are more types of women out and about then men.) With men you had (1) Clearly Overweight; (2) Slightly Overweight; (3) Lederhosen Oktoberfesters; (4) PC Bro Frat Brothers; (5) Tatted Tough Guy Wannabes; and (6) Fathers of all ages. With women you had (1) Clearly overweight; (2) Slightly Overweight; (3) Oktoberfest Dress Oktoberfesters; (4) Sorority Chicks; (5) Tatted Tough Chicks; (6) Mothers of all ages; (7) Girls who look/are obviously underage; (8) Women of all ages in Catholic School Girl outfits; (9) Women of all ages in Denim Short Shorts and Flirty Make Up; and (10) Women wearing dresses far too nice for an Outdoor Oktoberfest event.

I’ll admit… a part of me felt… bad. For myself and because of myself. I’m clearly in male category #2. Slightly overweight… wearing an untucked comic book t-shirt and jeans with a newly acquired buzz cut haircut. I could be/should be better. That is both because I know I can be and because my wife often reminds me that I’m overweight. And… though I no longer say anything about it (haven’t for the last year)… I felt bad for myself because of my wife’s attire/look. She is short, attractive… but no makeup, no hair care of any variety letting her thin fastly-greying hair hang in random bits around her face; wearing a baggy football jersey and loose jeans. And… when I try to encourage her in any fashion… like today when I said she had a great face and looked beautiful in the sunlight… she simply says- “no, you’re wrong and you’re stupid.” She doesn’t even say it playfully or with a hint of flirtation. Just the matter of fact statement that seems to say, “I’m obvious nothing and if you think I’m something, I can’t respect you.”

On the way home from Oktoberfest, we talked about how many tiny adorable babies were there. It is clear that Wife wants one someday. It is also clear, and I said as much, we’re losing time on that. We had a long talk. About how I’m doing everything I can to get a job back in Iowa. That it is easier to get a lawyer job in Iowa if we were living in Iowa. That we have so many friends and family members in Iowa. Basically, we were circling around the topic so much that I just came out and said it: Maybe, maybe it is time for Wife to start looking, to start taking some steps of her own to get us where we want to be. And she confessed that even her career counselor told her how difficult it is for lawyers to find work right now. How, since we both really want to get our adult lives started, it might be necessary for Wife to do more than simply… keep working a job she hates in a location she despises. How maybe… just maybe… the next step in our lives is going to need to come from Wife instead of Me. And since that was finally out in the air… I was hopeful/curious that it was something we could talk about, discuss, try to start figuring out. I was wrong. Wife isn’t ready. Isn’t anywhere near ready for any discussion or investigation of those lines. In other words… it is all back on me. Sarcastic Hooray. Getting us to Iowa. Getting us to a place where we can consider starting a family of any kind. Getting us to a place where we can be adults. That is (still) entirely on me. Never mind that I’m already doing what I can in a market that she knows is shrinking… and certainly never mind that I am 31 to her 35 years of age… no, getting our lives on track is entirely my responsibility… still.

Then Wife watched X-Files for several hours and I cooked dinner and did the dishes. Still need to empty the dishwasher… will probably do that tomorrow. Then we went to the hipster bar to meet friends and strangers.
The hipster bar had an interesting but less diverse clientele. Attractive Hipster Men, Overweight Hipster Men, Average Guys..... Attractive Hipster Women, Skanky Women, Drunk Women, Attractive Overweight Women, and Average women. For the most part… the bar itself was okay. I kept trying to tell Wife that she didn’t need to feel hideous when surrounded by Young Skanks or Overweight Make Up Queens… but of course… her self-centered and self-hating won the day.

Things got stupid bad when we left. SOMEHOW and honestly neither of us know how we got here… we started discussing our lot in life. How Wife wants me to get a job. How I’ve been trying AS HARD AS I CAN and it honestly effects me deeply personally. I mentioned that she could do something besides just waste away at Wal Mart… and she started sobbing. The kind of sobbing you hear from a little girl that has been kicked in the stomach kind of sobbing. She feels bad. She’s afraid of everything. She doesn’t know what she wants to do. On. And on. And on. I didn’t say it but all I could think is… AT SOME POINT, YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE. NOBODY ELSE CAN DO IT FOR YOU; NOBODY ELSE CAN FORCE YOU INTO SOMETHING. LIVE YOUR OWN GODDAMN LIFE AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT. Instead… it was just an uncomfortable drive. Me trying to explain to her how it isn’t fair to put ABSOLUTELY everything on my shoulders about getting a job… how her life might, at the very least, be 50% in some of her own control too. And then more of her sobbing. And then, when we got home, her throwing a bit of a tantrum… the kind that involves throwing a few things then being silent and distant for hours.

So… we went from a good night, a fun night… to Wife sobbing, throwing a tantrum, and me feeling like a shitty failure of a husband. Sounds…exactly like the life I seem to have signed up for.