yeah, i'm alive--edited with results (negative) in 2015

Turns out when things change in a big way, I’m really bad at updating. It all feels too big, and I can’t just sit and write it out because I’m either too busy managing it or too busy enjoying being married. That we live in 500 square feet and can’t not be next to each other really inhibits the journaling, too. I’ve noticed it in other aspects of my life. I have someone to talk to, about everything, who is always right there. The need to write things out is largely diminished.

For half of July, we were on our honeymoon road trip. You can see the travel blog, with my favorite photos, here: Robot Monster Roadtrip

Anyway, so what finally brought me here. TMI like whooooaaa.

I got my period 24 hours after we got back from the trip. I was kind of sloppy taking my birth control over the two weeks, but not critically so. There’s a three-hour window, and sometimes I’d be driving or something and not able to get to it immediately. But again, not critical, and I was bleeding freely as soon as we were back in South Carolina. That was three weeks after the last one, which is short, but fine, whatever. I got August’s period almost exactly three weeks after that, and just assumed that I had shifted to a 21-day cycle. I’ve always been light and short, and furthermore, the one woman I’m around regularly has a completely jacked up cycle and bleeds for three weeks, so that’s a hell of a thing to try to sync to. It didn’t bother me.

Then September’s was a week late, bumping it to 28 days, which didn’t concern me. I’d been sick and on antibiotics, and August had been very stressful at work. My boobs were sore for a while (noticeably larger, in fact), and there was a day where everything felt like a period was happening, just no blood. My back was sore for a bit, which is unusual, the cramps were a bit lower, I was (and am) very bloated, and my pelvis was very tight. My legs were super restless. I started running again (I took a month off because my hamstrings were so tight after the trip and plane ride, and needed to stretch out again) and that fixed the restlessness.

I came off antibiotics and got my period within two days. The tampons were odd because it was like I was only bleeding on one side–half the tampon would be white, the other half and the string soaked. I’d been slightly constipated, but not in a noteworthy way (although my period usually makes me poop more). I’d been craving rice, but it was after a stressful week and I fucking love rice.

I was not overly concerned–although I had two dreams about being pregnant and Aaron was starting to ask questions like “do you feel pregnant?” and I laughed at him, because at that point, what is there even to feel? “Yes, the little grain of rice kicked me!”

But 28 days? Meh. That’s nothing. That’s my normal. That’s perfect.

Period ended after a day and a half, which is very short but again, not abnormal. I’ve been that short before, usually after starting a new workout regimen (like picking up running again). Aaron was jonesing hardcore after being cockblocked by antibiotics for a week, so we had sex today. I went to the bathroom afterward to pee like a good hygienic woman, and because there’s usually some lube/gunk to flush/wipe out. But instead of the usual flushing out, I passed a huge-ass clot that plopped audibly into the toilet, followed by a smaller one. When I wiped, there was a gooey smear of brown (old blood). Huh, fine, he brushed something loose. No big deal. I’d warned him, but he was dying or something.

Then I looked in the toilet. The first, bigger, clot was almost the size of my thumb, kidney-shaped, a fair amount of bright red blood, and had a very distinct, 1.5-inch-long cord. I could even see twisted fibers. It looked just like a tampon string. The second was the size of my fingernail and whitish.

Umbilical cords form around week 6, I think. If I had gotten pregnant immediately after my last period, I’d be around 5-6 weeks.

I have been so fucking wigged out all night, obsessively Googling signs of early miscarriage and spotting lightly. Aaron’s out with friends, so I haven’t said anything to him yet.

I went to Walmart to get a pregnancy test and found two pennies and two dollar bills in the parking lot. The last time I found that much was right after I met Aaron at the concert in 2012.

So I guess I learn something definitive tomorrow morning at first pee.

There’s a huge chance it’s just weirdly shaped endometrium; it’s totally normal. Bodies are weird. But even if it is, I’d be very happy to live my entire life without ever seeing that particular shape (with a string) again.

EDIT: Morning pregnancy test came back negative. So unless something else weird happens, I’m going to shut the book on this one and try to pretend that it never happened. (Aaron is as weirded out as I am, but slightly more curious. Do I talk about it? Am I sad? Am I relieved? Can I be both at the same time? What would I even say? WHY DID THAT FUCKING BLOB HAVE A CORD?)

Last updated September 13, 2015