i'm obviously not worth keeping in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

and. if she really cared she’d have kept me longer. well i mean she is. i just want a reason to be upset. a push. and also that sounds abusive the ‘if she really cared she’d...........’ like when people go ‘if you really loved me you’d............’.
it’s weird that i’m hurt by this and yet. this is exactly what i wanted. that doesn’t seem to make sense. actually no this isn’t exactly what i wanted. i wanted to make the decision to move and then tell jenn or my mom or someone. so basically not tell steph. just have my mom or jenn tell steph. oh. wait maybe that’s another reason she’s doing it this way. is cause she knows i wouldn’t’ve come to her about this. well fuk no i wouldn’t’ve.
and every time lately she’s tried to get me to talk about how i’m feeling i’ve told her ‘fine’ or i don’t know’. when the fact is i’m not fine or i do know. of course i’m going to be dishonest if you keep pushing it! that’s just my way of not opening up to her and i think she knows that. cause neither of us is/[are?] stupid.
yeah but the way she did it means she’s taking control. over my life. in that she’s the one who made the decision. i don’t remember agreeing to this i don’t remember having it even been discussed or given a timeline. bc it wasn’t. actually that’s what i would’ve wanted out of all the options. is ‘so just so ya know next fri.’ - for instance - ‘i’m going to make a decision about you moving’. no talk about feelings or emotions or anything. that would’ve been the best way to handle this. at least. you know fukin acknowledge me instead of deciding for me. cause i’m part of this too and if it’s a decision about my life and whether or not i’m moving then obviously it impacts me! i don’t really care, to know her side of things. when i already do know so telling me her side would just be being redundant and also insulting my intelligence, so. no point really in doing that.
so anyway. um................damnit. ....................... so now i’m kindof forced to talk to her about this. except i’m not it only feels like i am. i certainly don’t have to. [well obviously i don’t ‘have’ to] which is exactly my point. i’m probably not going to. if she asks i’ll just probably i’m guessing tell her i need more time to think about it. which in a way i do. but that’s not the main reason i’m giving her that. and then i’m going to draw it out as long as possible. oh yeah i’ll draw it out untill the godamn cows or w/e come home as it were. of course i’ll tell my mom how i’m feeling about it and/or my dr. and my friends and/or. whomever. i’ll tell anyone but steph. which would cause problems for her but i don’t really care about that. [well, clearly].
The only thing she seems to care about. and don’t try and convince me otherwise. is the fact that i do better. That’s the only thing. and i didn’t let her help me w/ that so she’ll move on to the next person who might be able to. and clearly i’m not willing to work things out w/ her. bc of who she is. which won’t change. cause the thing is people don’t change. they don’t change who they are anyway. in some smaller ways they might change. and i won’t change who i am, so. not usually for anyone and esp. not for her. i think we’ve known that all this time. so basically she’s just writing me off. See this is exactly why i don’t like referrals. is cause i’ll think the person doesn’t care. again don’t convince me otherwise. she’s kicking me out. she just waited a damn long time to actually do it. would’ve again saved me a lot of time if she hadn’t. and i’m thinking the only thing i would’ve liked about it is that.um. it would’ve saved me time. cause i really don’t like wasting my time. well also it depends on what it is.
anyway.
she’s proven to me by deciding this that i’m not worth keeping. i’m only worth eventually kicking out. so all that was for nothing then that’s. wow. i’ll be alrite though. i’m always just alrite. yeah but i don’t want alrite i want better. but i’ll settle for alrite. i in fact already have. i’m used to settling so that’s fine. i’m used to. being used to things. and that’s the reality of it of this. sure i might relapse or something but i’ll be alrite. or actually maybe not..........well. enough repeating myself and circle talking for this entry.