the kids aren't okay in 2015

I had a lady doctor appointment today.

I’m off the Lo Loestrin as of yesterday because of the uncontrolled high blood pressure. I’ve been struggling with allergies since Monday and I’m not allowed to take decongestants. The air has been dry and that and the allergies triggered the reactive airways. So now I’m breathing inefficiently, can’t really treat it, and super aware of my heartbeat. See also: ways to convince yourself that you’re having a heart attack. UGH. I start a diuretic tomorrow morning to flush all this stupid water out of my system but without the estrogen, I’ve already started peeing frequently. I start a non-estrogen birth control pill on Sunday or whenever my period comes, whichever happens first.

Because apparently, APPARENTLY, my body does not tolerate estrogen. Like… at all, honestly, because I was on the lowest dose possible. And my body flipped its shit and now I’m all messed up. This is the greatest tomboy affirmation ever. “Be more ladylike!” “I can’t; I’m intolerant to estrogen.”

So in the meantime, my hormones are swinging wildly and my heart is pounding and I’m super aware of my heart and my breathing and there’s fluids and gas purging and there are mood swings and random gas aches and bathroom breaks every 90 minutes and HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS. I’m fine and distracted and then there’s another gas twinge somewhere, and even as I’m burping it up the latent (mood swing-enhanced) anxiety starts hollering about cardiac death at 28.

Oh, and the nurse did me exactly no favors when she told me that I had to understand that missing my last period could mean that I’m pregnant, and then took my blood pressure, which set a new high level for me (like, 140/95) and promptly recorded that. Yes. Because your adrenaline spike just then had nothing to do with that raging systolic number. (Lo Loestrin makes you occasionally skip periods. It is non-concerning. Also, due to size constraints, we haven’t actually legit had sex yet, soo… yeah, not worried.) BUT STILL. And then I tested out the CVS free blood pressure machine while waiting in line and it practically had me in hypertensive shock. I mean, I’m uncomfortable because I hate being aware of my body, and honestly the congestion + asthma is the absolute worst part, but I’m pretty sure I’m not at 171/110, especially only 4 hours after being so much lower. Pretty sure that old-looking machine in the questionable pharmacy ain’t working right.

Does the anxiety care? Hell no it doesn’t; it’s just more what if scenarios to entertain.

And so, I am going to remind myself to breathe with my mouth because my nose is worthless and hey maybe you don’t feel like you have enough air because you don’t so breathe stupid and go to bed, before I work myself up more fixating on this like I have all freaking day.

SHUT. UP. BRAIN.

…Oh, and we’re kind of getting hit by a not-quite-yet-classified subtropical storm so yaaaay! PLEASE MOISTEN MY AIR AND PURGE THE POLLEN, STORM. PLEASE.