say something i'm giving up on you in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i feel like i’m being given up on. and yeah maybe in a way i am. ya know. cause steph’s the one who decided i’m moving. which yes legally she’s allowed to do. she and jenn. my mom’s the one who told me. i might’ve mentioned this though. um. steph did all she could to help. well not all she could but as much as i let her. as i was willing for her to do. yeah but that’s the thing. is that certain things she did or tried or the things she said annoyed me. and also just her. her being so fukin happy. ya know i never thought i’d say this about a person but i don’t want her to be happy. she’s the one person who i feel that way about right now. and so bc of that. i didn’t do certain things so she wouldn’t be. well that’s only part of it. had i known in the beginning this is how she is. i wouldn’t’ve wasted my time being around someone like that. not like i had a choice. i didn’t even get to look at other places before moving. i mean yeah i’d met her before. but it was like ‘ok you’re moving into stephaie’s. no you’re not allowed to look at other places’. when it’s my own damn life. as much as i don’t like the things the lady at my last house was doing. or rather wasn’t doing. aside from that i liked her better bc i relate to her. she clearly wasn’t a happy person and that’s what i like/d about her. i always have . i’m just afraid to disagree w/ the people who don’t like her. you know there’s a person and then there’s the behaviour. and the reason i’m afraid to disagree w/ them is bc they might think i’m making up how i first felt about her the lady at my last house when i moved in here. into stephaie’s. and i’m not it’s just. feelings change over time. sometimes. the lady didn’t seem to care that much about my safety or if she did she didn’t express it. and that’s another thing i liked about it/her. it’s like oh thank god someone who’s not clingy like that. who’s not going to express that. ya know that’s why i prefer guys. the ones i’ve known aren’t outwardly expressive. maybe now stephanie will be sad. oh but it won’t completely devestate her. and honestly i wish it would. or i wish she would drink a lot. not cause i want her to become a heavy drinker no that sounds bad. but bc. then she’ll be someone i relate to. i’ve always wanted that.
anyway. sorry enough about that.
i. sort of screwed myself out of living at steph’s. and ya know. that’s my own damn fault. i’m a cynic a pessimist a realist. just goes to show people don’t care that much. and i don’t want to believe she does cause i don’t want to bridge that gap. we’ve had so many problems. well really not ‘so many’ just the same problems over and over again. and part of it is our personalities. they just don’t work. that’s the difference between employers and friends. friends don’t give up on you. well not from my experience and i don’t have much to go on when it comes to employers. but i’m seeing this as being given up on. and don’t try to convince me otherwise. i appreciate it but don’t.
i’m not even afraid of being neglected honestly. cause now since my feelings about the other lady have changed a little i don’t feel i was. also at the time i didn’t completely understand how services worked. so it didn’t make sense to me why her not answering her phone that day was. everyone made such a big thing of it. basically she’d had surgery and they gave her meds as they do. and she took them at the house while i was out and fell asleep and didn’t answer her phone when i called. and they saw that as neglect. and for awhile i did to. and yeah it still hurts a little. but stephanie. i can’t see her doing something like that. she’s almost too responsible. it almost feels like she’s ‘perfect’, in a sense. which is why we have jenn. is bc were steph to do something like that [which actually would be fukin amazing. i’d be idinno weirdly relieved]. i’d call jenn [well presumably]. i’m not bashing back up plans in and of themselves. but in this particular instance.......well again it’s steph more than anything. i mean i don’t want someone as controlling as the other lady was. but i don’t want someone as clingy as steph is either.