yeah i'm disappointed too in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

um. so i’m not actually physically moving. out of my house untill i say i’m ready to far as i know. which well i was before yesterday the news of yesterday as i’d wanted to but it hadn’t become real untill i got the news. ya know so it wasn’t like official.
idinno i mean it’s weird. my friend Lane [the gay guy that went to rocky horror on a date] and i talked a bit about it last night. he was helpful. i posted on fb that i was moving and he got at me via pm about it rather quickly. which i liked. it makes me feel like he cares. well um he does care. i’ve always trusted him.
i jus idinno. i’m disappointed. not regarding that though. another issue. i don’t know that i want to go into why or maybe i do........i’ve been disappointed before. in myself. that i didn’t do as well as i should’ve or didn’t do certain things bc of certain other things. and ya know maybe it’s not a punishment so much as a consequence. it’s like you mix the ingredients together. and from that comes the cake. and there were times when yeah i did make the cake. or i only partially made it. or it didn’t turn out well. or........w/e. this is a metaphor of course.
i think i hold myself to high standards which doesn’t really you know do anything for me like it doesn’t get me anywhere really. over the yrs. a few people and the reason i never mention this is bc it makes me insanely self conscious which i already am anyway so. um. um right. a few people over the yrs. have mentioned i should ‘calm down’ bc i’m too rigid. well and i am. i’m very like perfectionist oriented. like sure others don’t expect me to be perfect but i do. like i’m the most organised person ever and i really don’t like it when i’ve forgotten something or forgotten a step or not done things in the right order or something. it’s not a good feeling. and there’s nothing wrong w/ that exactly it just. as stated it doesn’t really do much for me. i don’t really want to fix it though.
i used to think it had to do w/ trust. like ok well i don’t trust the universe to take care of things. and so bc i don’t. bc i don’t think it’ll make things perfect so i ‘hav’e to. it’s a compulsion and telling me i don’t have to or not to doesn’t help. so ya know. don’t. i also think it’s part of my ocd which i also don’t want to fix. so then why am i going on about this? well bc that’s why i’m disappointed a lot. that has to do w/ the high standards i hold myself to [Please don’t tell me not to. don’t tell me to ‘calm down’ or w/e. i appreciate it but don’t]. er. ok so in other words. The high standards lead to disappointment.
Ya know. It’s like if it’s a beautiful sunny day out. and you’re for instance on the beach. well can’t really trust the day’ll stay like that. i mean a um tornado. not a tornado sorry a tsunami could come [or w/e those huge water disaesters are called. flood? .........fuk i forgot. it’s a word i hear so rarely that. yeah forgot as said]. and you know there goes that perfection. it’s also something you can’t control. sure you can prepare for it but you can’t control it. and that’s also part of it. like ok so i can’t control the...........water diseaster thing. but i can control my own personal world and be all super organised. like everything’s always in the exact same place it was before. like i always order the exact same thing at subway. oh so i guess it does serve a purpose and that’s the purpose.
but ya know. I don’t like admitting i expect myself to be perfect. i want to think that other people are the ones who do. i want to think it’s coming from an outside source when usually it’s not. dangit. it’s easier that way. cause then i don’t have to fix it. [well. i guess i don’t like ‘have’ to].
yeah so disappointed in myself. for such a long time i went up down up down i did well and then i didn’t. untill i didn’t. yeah i spose it’d be easier to not do the high standards thing. but if i did i’d feel that i was losing a part of myself. and i’m not really ok w/ that. i don’t like the thought of that emptiness.
i also think it’s part of my anxiety no it is part of my anxiety. even if no one says anything about the fact that idinno i’ve painted my nails [not that i’ve done this recently it’s just an example] i’ll think they’re going to. and that stops me. it’s like i don’t want to be noticed. actually i kindof don’t. or i’ll..........paint my toenails for instance. where no one can see it. but i can’t see it either, so.
everyone’s all like ‘well if you’re having a panic attack just calm down’. no believe me it’s not that fukin easy. that doesn’t work for me. i’m the type who needs to go through it and experience it - and i know i’ve mentioned this before - in order to. deal w/ it. and like i know people want it to stop quicker [well i don’t know i’m only presuming here] but that almost makes it worse. no in fact it does make it worse. i don’t like the ignore approach. what will work for me is someone just being by me and not saying anything about it. i think that some people who don’t have anxiety understand it fully. or at all really. it’s like w/ someone w/ cancer you wouldn’t tell them to just get better would you? no. well i’d hope most people wouldn’t. i don’t see how anxiety/depression are any different nor am i asking.
anyway.