Home, yes. in Since OD is shutting down....

I ended up not going to the gym today because yesterday I had to bartend for about 6 an half hours and my back was fucking killing me this morning. It’s supposed to be rainy and cold tomorrow so I am unsure if I will go and on top of that, I think I’m possibly getting sick. I’ve had a touch of a sore throat today but hopefully it’s just from smoking and it’ll go away. I really don’t want to be fucking sick. I really fucking don’t.

Work tonight was alright. I was getting annoyed by the petty drama that was going on and people’s emotions were running a little bit too high. I got off pretty much on time and then i had to get a new Smart Water because someone threw my bottle away last night. I’m not mad but I hate not keeping the same bottle. Yeah, my OCD definitely kicks in about stupid shit like that. My feet were burning a little tonight from being on them so much last night but nothing I can’t handle.

I’m still trying to lose weight and for whatever reason, the scale has gone up some which is discouraging. I cheated on Monday and ate some candy and I drink a shit ton of water everyday so I know it could be water weight but this weight loss shit gets old because it doesn’t happen fast enough and I’m super fucking impatient.

I’m still thinking about Matt quite a bit and still having moments where I get really depressed about it. I miss him. He meant more to me than I did for him and I don’t see myself completely forgetting about this for awhile. I really wish with all of my being that things could be different. I’d give anything to be sitting with him on his couch, with my head on his chest, holding his hand watching Star Wars telling him how much I want a Yoda doll like that one night. I just wish that any guy that I like actually liked me back.

Honestly, I have no one to be upset with about this but me. I knew going into it that he didn’t trust women, he didn’t want a relationship, and that it was more than likely going to end up this way but I held on to a little bit of hope that we still could’ve been friends. I know that I would’ve been with him and been loyal but he didn’t want it. I thought that after us not talking for a month that it would’ve made him really think about things but he turned out to be just another douche with his own agenda.

I used to believe that I was a great catch, that any man would be so lucky to have me but now after so many heartbreaks, I’m just as fucked up as they are. My head is a fucking mess and my heart is a fucking train wreck. I’ve been hurt so many times that it would probably be better for me to just give up on trying to find someone and just work on myself. It’s just hard because I am lonely and I do want someone to share my life with. I have this girl that I work with that is 19, married with a baby and it makes me sad that she found her love so early in life and here I am at 30 years old, single, no kids, wondering if I’ll ever have a family of my own. I’ve never even had a normal relationship!

As crazy as it sounds, I saw something in Matt. I saw good in him when I probably shouldn’t have. I really wanted to get to know him and spend time with him, not just have sex. His cuddles felt amazing. I miss his smile, I miss his funny stories. He had touched my heart in such a way that I never thought anyone would again and now it’s all gone like when you go to a great movie and it’s over. It’s just bullshit that every guy that would actually might treat me half decent has been fucked over and even though I still have a shred of hope left, it’s slowly dwindling away.

I remember going over to his house after a month of not talking and the way he looked at me, the way he kissed me. I remember how he grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me with such intensity that my knees were jello. It was everything to be back in his arms, to feel him again. He told me his missed me. I just want to understand why things changed so abruptly. I just don’t buy that he has a new puppy and he’s been busy with it. I honestly believe he got back with an ex or has a new fuck buddy. I wish just a fill-in.

Anyways, I’m glad that it’s going to be cool tomorrow because it was hot as balls tonight. It was super fucking muggy and no breeze whatsoever. Absolutely miserable. I was so glad to come home and change into clean, dry clothes. It’s been raining off and on since I got home. I’m just glad that it’s cooled off and I’m not sweating anymore because it gets super old.

That guy at work has admitted to liking me but won’t date me because we work together. My manager asked him about it last night. I guess he said he would wanna get to know me first and make sure it’s something that would last because if we broke up, it would be awkward. He makes no attempt whatsoever to talk to me outside of work, doesn’t text me and now I’ve changed my number and haven’t given it to him because I don’t know, it just hasn’t come up. It’s whatever, I’m too emotionally drained from every situation having some kind of road block anyway.

Whether I try with men or not, it just doesn’t work out and I’m sick of wasting my time. I’m 30 so if it’s not gonna go anywhere, I’d rather establish that right away because I got shit to do. I have too many other things to deal with on the daily and I just don’t want to waste my time anymore anyway. I’m going to be single for the rest of my life so I really don’t get why I keep putting myself in situations where I just waste my time, money, energy, and emotions when none of them last more than a month anyway. I have to just leave things where they are and find something or someone that I can see and spend time with more so I don’t feel as lonely.

I’m just frustrated with things. I wish that I had a better relationship with my family, I wish I didn’t have to work 5 days a week, I wish I wasn’t so heavy, I wish I wasn’t alone, I wish I had more money, I wish I could move into another place that was actually affordable. I just don’t like where I’m at but I do remain grateful for what I do have. I just have to remember that God has a plan for me and someday, I’ll figure out what it is.

I just feel like life, my life is so fucking hard. They say that you think nothing has changed and you look back and everything has but the only thing that’s changed for me is I’m not the vulnerable door mat I used to be. I can actually walk away from toxic situations and people. I’ve kept a job for almost 2 years. Things have changed but they are still SO FAR from where I’d like them to be.

Whatever. I’m going to bed.