i feel like i can't trust him. evan that is. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

as put.

i feel like i can’t completely trust him. well and that’s bc well. i can’t. last night i. well i sent him this text broken up into............well 8 textmails:

‘i’m frustrated as hell. i don’t know what to do. you leave me confused and i know you think people’s depression or w/e is part of their personality. which is fine. but it makes it a lot harder for me to understand you. instead of you going ‘well due to my depression’ or w/e it is you have [which. i don’t think you’ll admit what you have]. bc depression [or ptsd] is something i understand a little. and if someone tells me they have it then i can ‘oh ok so now i know why they’re a certain way’. but doesn’t seem you’re willing to do that and i don’t get why. .......

‘.........but maybe you don’t want me to understand. it sure seems that way. stop shutting me out. overall i haven’t shut you out nearly as much as you’ve shut me out. i don’t want to put up w/ it but i will. cause i’m loyal as fuk. and cause we’re together. and also. bc you’re mentally unstable.........i’m so fukin afraid. yeah truth is. i’ve been afraid of you for a long time. and it’s not even your fault............’

‘honestly. and i almost kindof hate to say it. the reason i don’t trust you completely is cause you are mentally unstable. and that’s not your fault. but you know i’m also not that understanding a person. i’m too afraid [and even as friends] to leave you bc i’m too afraid of what’ll happen if i do. if i call it quits on you forever. if you weren’t like this............yeah. you’re as sweet as you are unstable but you also scare the living fuk out of me.......’

‘........but that’s also why i trust you. i know how angry you get and i know how much you don’t like injustice. but i wish you’d get angrier about the things i’m angry about. otherwise i’ll feel like you don’t care. don’t tell me you do show me that you do. don’t be sorry be effective damnit! i don’t want to calm down i want to stay angry. if you don’t like this then. leave the area.’

‘you’re also, it seems, not willing to tell me ‘well i’m annoyed cause this thing happened’. you just talk about things in some weird vague fashion. and most of the time i don’t even know what the things are! you just refer to stuff as ‘it’. it’s almost like you don’t want me to help. or anyone. maybe you don’t i don’t know. in which case. just tell me and i’ll stop. but that also means you stop telling me stuff. which is funny since you don’t actually tell me anything you just go on about nothing. you don’t want my help. then don’t spike out when we’re on the phone. i don’t mind you doing it when i can’t hear. ‘

‘you say the world’s the problem but you ever think it might be you sometimes? you had these issues in CA and you have them here so i don’t think it’s the place. i think it’s you. and you can disagree w/ me all you want to. i’m a really nice person. actually. you just don’t like that i can see right through you in some way. oh and don’t make some joke about that.’ > he does that a lot.

‘i’m willing to work on things. i thought that by being together i’d be able to change you. but apparently not. thanks. that’s........that’s disappointing. and that’s why i wanted to be w/ you. and well i still do bc. well i have feelings for you. i’m willing to help you. but you need to start putting in more effort. we’ve been at this place before. and we’ll probably return to it again. unless you change. and if you don’t i’ll keep bringing it up.’

‘it fukin hurts that you won’t let me in when for the most part i haven’t done anything to deserve it. to deserve being pushed away. and don’t be sorry. ok? don’t even say it. i appreciate it but don’t. not cause it’s fine cause it’s not. but cause that won’t mean much. you need to show me that you’re sorry. not tell me. but i honestly don’t have much faith in that and not a whole lot of trust that you will. sure i hope that you will..........but............ but i can’t trust that you will. cause of experience. so prove me the fuk wrong. or don’t w/e. and i want to be able to trust you more. and i kindof hate that you know this now. but well can’t do anything about it now.’

so yeah. that’s where we’re at.