Learn to Focus on What is Important... in Understanding the Unthinkable

…and learn to let go of the rest. That advice is for me, but you’re welcome to it, too, if it suits you.

Nick was out of jail for good. His progress was bumpy but he was trying. He swore he was off drugs, but his face was sunken, deep circles under his eyes, his bones stuck out but he swore he was eating and he never refused anything I gave him to eat. He shook like a rag doll. I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to hold him in my arms, but he would twist away from me, hating what he had become and that I wouldn’t give up on him.

My husband’s sister came down to visit. Her husband once again insisted he wanted Nick to come home with him. I’d reached the end and told him if he wanted to try, to ask Nick. I doubted Nick would go. Nick asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to go. Nick said he was afraid to be away from me. I told him I knew that but we’d become toxic for each other and that he’d be safe with his Mennonite/Amish family up there.

Because he was complying with us, we helped him start the process of bankruptcy, paying for a lawyer. This proved a huge relief to him. For the first time in a long time, he began to feel hopeful again. I hadn’t realized how much hopelessness he had been under. I now wish I’d done this earlier. We said we’d fly him home whenever he needed to appear in court to finalize bankruptcy. I oversaw the process, so it all went well and we were about two months away from finalizing the last of the paperwork. Nick was extremely grateful.We promised him if he did what we asked, we’d bring him back in the fall and help him and New Girl start over. He said he was going because it was what I wanted.

He acted up the morning he left with my in-laws. We held our breath. Would Nick back out? He had a shouting match with his Dad. I warned them that he might be holding drugs. Brother in law said he’d have to run out sometime and he wouldn’t have a chance to get more. They stayed true to their word. A family member was with Nick day and night.

He promised me that he did not bring drugs with him. He worked with them every day, rising early and getting home late. He went to ball games with them and they made plans for canoe trips as summer approached. When they sent pictures, I pored over each one, looking for signs. He looked like he was improving. He looked as if he’d put on some weight, though I doubted his claim of twenty pounds. He sounded happier as time went on. Our phone conversations grew friendlier. He missed us terribly but I stayed firm that he needed to see this through.

Sis in law got a kick out of watching him play in the snow like a little kid (hey, Floridians get a kick out of snow!) and even though he got a little bored (when I asked him how it was going living with his aunt & uncle, he said he was “livin’ the retirement life, Mom. We ride around a lot and check every receipt to make sure nobody cheated us.” Did I ever tell you my boys were sarcastic? They get it from their father’s side. Mouthy Mennonites.) Yes, he was bored at times, yes, he missed us and was anxious to return home, but he was staying and proving his sobriety to us. He was reconnecting with family who loved him and everyone was on his side.

There were problems. He took a bad fall down their stairs. He said there was snow on his boots. Sis in law said he took a lot of aspirin/Advil/Tylenol. Looking back, I wonder if it wasn’t a symptom that we just failed to see. X-rays after his fall said his wrist wasn’t broken, but he said it had that deep bone break feeling and having broken several bones, he knew what that felt like. I wonder if it wasn’t a hairline fracture.

One of the homes he and his cousin were working on was dripping in mold. An elderly man had died there and it was some time before he was discovered. I yelled at him about wearing a mask. He’s worked for us for years and knows OSHA standards. It was foolish and something that would make us wonder afterwards.

That was the house they were working on the day Nick died. The day had been uneventful. He was using building knowledge he’d learned from us to help his cousin repair the house, they were helping him find his self-respect again. He and his dad had a great talk just hours before he died.

Nick was smiling and hopeful as he and his cousin hopped into the truck and headed home. They were making plans for the weekend. His cousin looked away to turn the corner and when he looked back, Nick was slumped over, not breathing.

His cousin called 911, then tried CPR, but Nick was gone.

Paramedics took over. He was rushed to the Lutheran hospital in Fort Wayne, where doctors worked on him for an hour. The doctor was in tears. Nick, was beautiful, young, and seemingly healthy. They could detect no trauma/cause of death, so an autopsy had to be performed. He did NOT detect an aneurysm or other heart/brain cause of death.

I was wrapped up in getting him home again. I wanted my boy back on the Florida soil he was raised on.

Is this as hard to read as it is to write, I wonder? I cry every day for him, but I do not stay there. I need to write this down, though, because so much gets forgotten.

Last updated September 07, 2015