It All Starts With Me in meh...

I found myself talking to me today. Nothing unusual, but I actually stopped myself from bullshitting myself.

I’m in a financial crunch for the next two weeks and I JUST got paid today. I’ve been trying to be on my best behavior with my money situation. I do have expensive tastes, but I don’t splurge very often. I take care of the basics and pine for what I want the most. I’m down to no toilet paper, not a lot of food to last for two weeks, no money and very little gas in the tank. On top of this, I wanted to take my daughter out for her 21st birthday. She was looking forward to drinking legally and she wanted to go to a reggae night club somewhere.

Well, after car insurance, loan payments, and most importantly rent, I’m broke. Again. As always. My bank is done with me overdrawing on my account. I will have maybe $30 once a payment posts on my credit card. I have a refund card from school and that has $9 and some change on it. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel.

As I reflected on this all the way to work I was about to make an excuse, but changed the inflection in my tone to make it a definitive statement. No “I did this to myself…” only “I did this to myself.” No excuses. I’m not irresponsible, yet I am at fault. My only excuse would be “My family is in need.” Which that isn’t an excuse, but a mere fact. My son is still at home. My daughter, to be honest, isn’t an adult mentally. She still thinks the world owes her something. My grandson is still growing. My mother has needs that I want to help her with.

But I did this to myself. No one told me to abuse the overdraft agreement. I’m trying my best. There are things that I don’t say because as soon as I say it, “Thank God that at least __,” and I promise you that within the next few days that’s exactly what happens or doesn’t happen. So it makes me sit still and sink into myself. I don’t talk to anyone anymore about money issues because they think I want them to give me money. I don’t talk to anyone anymore about money issues because I don’t like how I look in their eyes. In a lot of ways I have my own growing up to do. When I was supposed to be figuring all this shit out, I was taking care of my mother and my kids. So I’m still on this journey to finding out who I am. Well, I know who I am, but I seem to stay in this constant state of evolution. I’m tried, tested, and left in limbo and changed all the time.

I sometimes just don’t know anymore.
I was trying to read my book for school, but this is a distraction in my head and I needed to either talk about it, get it out in someway. I didn’t even bring anything for lunch and I’m supposed to have my lunch w/my BettyLady today. I have like a dollar and seventy cents maybe and that was so I could pay for a parking meter since I don’t have my parking pass for school. The last thing I need is to rack up on a new set of parking tickets. That’s how my last car was towed and never came home.

So I think my moment of pitiful realism is over.
Back to the books.
Take care of yourself & others.

Kindest regards,
Sister