shifting the blame. on rape. *might trigger* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

ya know. i was reading a reply to a post on a message board i’m a part of. have been a part of it for almost 10 yrs. anyway. and it said something about how when people who are raped blame ourselves then we have some control over what happened. but i didn’t at all. once he pushed me into it the control was on him. i actually couldn’t get away. and i don’t know that i tried. if i had tried as in were i to. um have tried it might’ve been worse. or it might’ve been just the same. but it sure as hell wouldn’t’ve been better. [he was raping me how the hell can that be better? there’s not like. a ‘better’ there]. i don’t remember being scared i just remember as i’ve mentioned being in pain. and then it’s like oh fuk this hurts something’s wrong. the fear didn’t kick in right away. rape obviously is an action and we have control over our actions and our choices. as i’ve mentioned i’m a small aldy but those who rape do it regardless of size. my size shouldn’t’ve mattered. i did nothing wrong by wanting to have sex. he’s the one who did something wrong by um. doing what he did.
i don’t even know if he’s gone and raped other ladies or not. and i can’t prevent that. if he has i can only hope that those ladies [or whoever] have done the right thing for them. no he fukin chose to rape me. he wasn’t forced into it [it’s weird that i’m saying this given what happened]. no he chose to of his own godamn volition.
i mean i still feel like it’s my fault. and though i appreciate it telling me it’s not won’t do a damn thing untill i believe it myself. yeah and the thing i hate about it is i didn’t have control. and now every time i don’t unrelated to sex or w/e it really bothers me. it brings me back to that. to what happened. to the rape bc it’s not some weird vague event. it’s not a fukin pronoun. anymore. no i can’t not have control. cause when i did well. look what happened. so ya know. let me have as much control as i fukin can. no i need control in order to not go back to that place.
like i knew i didn’t have control but i hadn’t actually like. thought about that in. awhile. like i was. his object. i was his object to do w/ what he wanted once it became. what it was. he could’ve done more but he didn’t. ask. if i was ok or if he should stop or. idinno what have you. w/e. he was doing it to me. and. i wasn’t even there. it’s very. dehumanizing. it’s like the way people treat animals. i like them and i treat them well. but some don’t. and they say that’s how it starts. w/ animals. i don’t know many people who rape..........have done awful unspeakable things to animals things which i won’t mention. i don’t know.........if i was the first person he raped. i don’t..........know.
it’s like he decided for me that i was going to be raped. he was deciding for me what was going to happen to my body and my sex that. that part of me. the thing that. is to bear to have children. not that i have children. the thing that is designed specifically for that purpose. he hurt it. and. he hurt that part of me and i didn’t tell. and w/ that the ability to reproduce which thankfully i still have. but it’s all in the same area. it wasn’t mine. it was his. and unless i willingly allow. for it to be someone else’s. i don’t want that again.