A Knife in the Ocean in Every day scata

I am so fucking exhausted. I have been for a while. I was blaming it on the back pain, because pain is just tiring. Blamed it on the fibro, because that causes fatigue.

But then I started dropping weight. Now, remember, I’m on a weight restriction, no heavy exercise and basically I am told to just take slow walks and sit on my ass.

When the first few pounds fell off I was excited! I’ve been trying to lose weight for like, forever. But… Ok, lemme back up a bit. Because of my back, I have to go to the doctor (or was) every week. So I was very aware of the weight changes. When I dropped 3 pounds in just a few days, I got concerned.

I haven’t been eating… I have no appetite. I have to MAKE myself eat. And even then the portions are pretty small. So I made an appointment with the PA I usually see in regards to this.

So I tell her how depressing it is working in “the dungeon” with no human contact, and about being depressed about my back, and how I’m worried about all the meds affecting my liver, my family history of colon cancer, and (TMI) the fact that I can’t seem to get off the toilet… everything just goes right through me.

While discussing what tests we were going to do (blood work, mammogram, chest x-ray, fecal sample) she throws this at me “maybe you should consider inpatient care and go off ALL your meds, then add them back in one by one to see which ones are causing any problems.” “inpatient care” meaning the psych ward. I said no, there wouldn’t be anyone to take care of mom. She said “well put her in the nursing home while you do this.” I again said no… because I KNOW if I do this, I’ll be in the hospital a lot longer than a week. So she said “well talk it over with your psychiatrist. :sigh:

Personally, I think that if the tests don’t show anything (oh I’m getting another MRI of my back too) (that is another story) I just need a couple of days away from work at the hospital, and taking care of mom, and away from … everything. Just a few days, with fresh air and some place to swim… all that stuff, y’know? I don’t get vacations… hell, I only get one day a week off. I’m fucking burnt out. Going inpatient is NOT my idea of “getting away from it all”.