Emotional rant in Depression

I don’t want to let this beat me but it’s wearing me out. There are so many things that I’d love to do in life, for instance I’d love to start vlogging on YouTube about beauty and life in general. But whenever I think about it, I get scared. I am constantly in a state of exhaustion. I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to be a regular human who’s just a normal amount of tired. I get worn out even thinking about things, let alone actually doing them. Sometimes I feel very pointless. Like I’m not going to be able to do the things that I would love to do. It doesn’t help that half of me wants to do them, and the other half just wants to die. I’m very sick of my mind, it’s an awful place a lot of the time.

Do you know what’s really hard about a lot of this? I’m 19. A lot of people my age are out and about, hanging around with friends, enjoying college or working, getting drunk, going to festivals, doing things that matter to them. Where as I’m here, really just existing. Even when I try to do those things, I’m only barely doing them. I can’t get a job because I can’t handle the anxiety or stress of real life, I haven’t been able to get drunk for a long time, because my stomach is very easily nauseated (possibly because of the antidepressants), I’m not really looking forward to college very much because I’m afraid I won’t be able for it again, and I can’t hang out with friends too much because it’s too exhausting.

I know it sounds like I’m just feeling sorry for myself, and maybe I am, but it’s hard not to when you’re jealous of other people for these reasons.

I’m just so tired.

Also thank you for the messages, I’m sorry I disappeared and made some of you worry