Sometimes... in meh...

When it comes to the father of my children, I can go on a tangent. More so since I’ve gotten older and learned about who I am now vs who I was then.

He has made it difficult for me to like him, so I tolerate him. When it comes to the kids, he doesn’t understand how his parenting when he felt like it doesn’t help. He never undestood that these kids weren’t supposed to run after him, but he was supposed to be ever present always and he wasn’t. He can try and blame me for that, but I never closed that door. The door was always open to him, but more often than not he would choose to not even come through. It has to take someone else to tell him he ain’t worth a dogs shit in order for him to feel bad enough to do something about it and he still does nothing. He is pathetic and if I never heard from him would be alright with me.

But as life would have it, I do hear from him whether I want to or not and it’s like he is always trying to sell me a story. I treat anything he tells me like I our daughter. They like to make themselves come out smelling like roses and they don’t do anything wrong. That 3 good deeds are supposed to outshine the 999 things they’ve done wrong. Life, does not work like that. In my son’s case it’s too little too late. My son doesn’t care if he sees him or not. When he does, he’s full of insults and my son is cool on that. There are rights that he doesn’t have or deserve because his consistancy for being present has been a joke for the past 21 years.

I usually don’t go off like I want to because to go back to the beginning is where I would need to start to get all of the shit on my soul that I feel about him out of my system. That’s what it feels like. Shit on my soul. I normally don’t like him bother me. I don’t think of him at all for real. There will always be too much water under the bridge with us for me to ever feel like we could even be friends. He’s a liar and he’s full of empty promises I don’t need, yet he always tries to speak to me like he’s selling me something and I have a hard heart when it comes to him except for when I pity him.

He is in the exact same position he’s been in since I met him. Give or take that he’s moved out a few times, he still lives at his mother’s home. He still isn’t working a job that means much. He side hustles car mechanic and half way does that. He said he was going to school or taking classes, but I wonder who was paying for that? For all the shit he talks, he was supposedly moving to California to work on the stars cars in November. Yeah. When I heard that I already knew he wasn’t going any damn where. He was talking about taking daughter with him, but he said, he was afraid that California may eat her alive. California would eat HIM alive. His skill set is about as sparse as hers is. California and New York are about the most expensive places a person can live if you weren’t born there or not use to it. He is so good for talking and I get tired of the “I’m trying”. My whole life knowing him, he’s always “trying.”

I wrote him a letter. But the thing with my letters when I’m venting and ranting, they jump chronologically. I have so much to say and I never want it to sound like I’m mad that we broke up because that was the best thing to happen to me. It gave me a resolve to never depend on him for anything because I couldn’t depend on him for anything. It taught me to do things myself. So now days, if I have an issue, I just wait out the storm unless I REALLY need help from somone because I just will not ask anyone for anything if I can help it. If I ask, I really need the help.

So again, I wrote this letter and while it’s coherant, it’s out of order. It is basically a blame letter and it tells him that his relationship with his daughter is chickens coming home to roost. He isn’t a good person and she is his female manifestation. I don’t really like him as a person anymore. When we were together I guess I really didn’t know him and even though we had two children together, when I’m in a relationship, I try to do what I can to make it work. I really do and once I woke up to see this would ruin me in the end, I was never more free in my entire life. That I deal with him occasionally kind of sucks because my life is better without him.

Any thought of him touching me or anything closely related to being in my personal space turns my stomach and makes my face grimmace. For some reason he, like a few others I’ve been “up close & personal” with, when I’ve been around them, they always have to touch me. And always I quickly move away, bat their hands away and say, “You just gotta touch me don’t you?” Once I was in my bathroom removing caulking from the walls (at my old, old house). I’m guessing my grandmother let him in. I was looking up, scraping this stuff off the wall. The Trini-CrackWeasel was demonstrating to me on my foot/ankle area where he had an injury. I looked down nonchalantly, looked back up at what I was doing and just nonchalantly said, “You just had to touch me didn’t you?” It irks me. I really bothers me. After that I told him to get out. My kids father likes to play fight at me and he likes to do that all the time and I stop, make a fist, rear back hard like I’m going to swing and just jump at him and he backs clean away. I don’t even like playing with him. Just get out.

I try not to speak unkindly about people, but when you’re dirty and you’ve done me dirty, I need to talk about it. I’m sorry. The world doesn’t need more negativity, but I need to rid myself of the negativity I feel when affected by someone passing through my life. Ugh…

Shit on my soul.
Hope your days are wonderful.

Kindest regards,
Sister