Work, Matt, Eric, new guy, HOT!!!! in Since OD is shutting down....

Yeah so I’ve been super busy lately and haven’t been home enough to write. I went to a concert with a friend last Saturday night where we met a couple of dudes. My friend hooked up with his friend and I’ve been hanging out with the other one. I don’t know why, the only explanation I have is loneliness?? I’m not really sure. The guy is shorter than me, has a gross fucking beard, has a huge gut and no teeth! Like WTF was I thinking?! Well I have been hanging out with him almost every night, which has required me to drive about 25 miles to where he is and the other night he took me to dinner and gave me gas money. Well he promised the same thing last night and needless to say, he fucking lied!! He had me take him to Walmart to get a phone card where he sent money to some girl. I’m not completely sure of this however but saw a picture of some girl on his phone that he was texting and then he sent a money gram so yeah…who knows. I feel super awkward at this point and had a friend call me with some emergency so I could fucking drop him off and head out.

I’ve also been fucking with Matt again. Stupid, very fucking stupid. We’ve been hooking up recently but he’s still very adamant about not wanting to date me so last night I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and I haven’t heard from him since. I knew better but it’s hard to just walk away when I have feelings for someone. He’s always going to mean something to me but honestly, if I never hear from him again, I know that it’s what’s in my best interest.

Eric is a fucking lunatic and I can’t even believe I’ve allowed myself to deal with him at all. I went to give him a ride the other day where it ended with him slamming my car door as hard as he could and flipping me off. He tried to get me to let him stay at my house last night where I obviously said no and he went off with a string of insults like he always does. It’s absurd how much crap someone thinks you should deal with under any circumstances!!! I have finally blocked him and need to leave it that way. The motherfucker is crazy and sick in the head and I have to keep him out of my life. I’ve had enough.

So after last night being used, lied to and things ending like they did with Matt, I woke up super depressed this morning. I just can’t believe things could be this bad and it could be this hard to find someone that wants the same shit as me. I was honestly hoping that Matt and I were shooting towards a relationship but he made it more than clear all he wants is sex and I just can’t lay down with someone that I have feelings for knowing it’s never going to be more than that. I just can’t do that to myself again.

It’s been ridiculously hot here the past few days and at any given moment, it’s at least 100 at work. It’s just zapping my energy, I always have a crippling headache and it’s hard to concentrate. I’m just so over it. I’m really hoping it cools off and stays that way because it’s been just unbearable all fucking week and I’m sick of dripping sweat for hours at a fucking time.

I’m also back on my diet, it’s been about 3 days and I feel pretty good about it. I just have to get it through my head that when I give up and start eating crap, it’s not hurting anyone but me. I’ve started having my hair breaking off from it being so hot and dry and from not drinking enough water. I have started deep conditioning my hair and plan to start doing it once a week and drinking a shit ton of water every single day regardless if I don’t have time or not. Lately it hasn’t been hard because it’s been so hot but I have to start getting myself back to where I was.

So I have my niece tonight and only til about 11am tomorrow. I told my brother I have to work but I’m actually gonna go see a new guy. He’s about an hour away in the other direction. He’s super sweet and is going to fill my tank when I get there and he got a hotel room for us. I’m excited because we are gonna go have prime rib and maybe go see some sights. I can already tell he’s a decent guy and he’s okay with me being plus size. I am excited because it’s getting out of town with someone who’s not just a cheap asshole trying to get laid like the last one. I know if I said no to this one it wouldn’t matter.

I’m still upset about Matt but I blame myself because I walked away from him for a month and went back knowing that it’s not going to change. It just sucks because he’s like everything I could want. He has his own place, has a nice truck, is super cute and I just loved being around him. He made me laugh like crazy and I remember the first night seeing him after a month and the way he kissed me as we were standing on his porch. He grabbed my face with both hands and kissed me like he meant it. He told me the other night he had feelings towards me and liked being around me but I think it was just to get me to keep coming around. It’s nothing more than a game, a game that I can’t win.

I need to figure out how much I’m gonna owe my gym because I haven’t paid in 2 months and they have late fees. I just want to start losing weight and watch how fast it falls off. I just can’t be a fat pig anymore. I’ve been losing weight and not gaining even the past 2 weeks with eating bad shit because I’ve been so active at work.

My bestie got transferred to the store I want to go back to and she’s going to talk to the GM about me possibly coming back, even if it’s just for weekends. I’m still not making shit at work and if I was there, everything would be caught up by now. I’m seriously going to be heartbroken if I never get to go back there. I asked my boss about it the other day via text and she wrote back and got really snippy with me so I’m honestly scared to ask again. The girl that got me to quit twice has her job back but as an assistant. I saw her 2 days is a row and finally text me boss asking about it because every time she shows up, she lingers a little bit longer than I feel is comfortable so my boss told me that’s what’s going on. I told her I was just concerned because I don’t want my job in jeopardy again. I honestly couldn’t give 2 fucks if she’s around as long as I don’t have to deal with her or anything.

Anyways, I’m still thinking about Matt but I accept that it is what it is. It wasn’t meant to be and I have to leave it alone. I already felt attachment to him and I’m gonna have to let it go. He wasn’t supposed to mean anything to me but he did. I just won’t continue a sexual relationship with someone who doesn’t want to date me when I have feelings for them because I’m just going to get hurt and I’ve been hurt enough.

The other one has text and called me all day and I haven’t bothered to respond even once. After being used for a ride and lied to, I think it’s best for me to just remain silent. That guy can fuck off, honestly they all can.

Goodnight.