i want him to care. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

i want..........my...........him. the guy who. who raped me to care about what he did. to care about me. that’s why i want to cut right now. even though we haven’t been in contact in almost 5 yrs. i keep thinking if i cut. then he’ll somehow know about the pain. btw i haven’t cut in a little over 2 yrs.
but ya know. i’ve always wanted to have some physical representation of that. of rape. of being hurt. cause other then the blood and the pain the 1st and 2nd times. i never had that. and then that way it can be like ‘hey look! look what happened to me!’ even though no one will see it. but somehow......it’ll help me. to do it on my body instead of on paper putting it on paper.
i want to go back and change that. have people care have people know what happened. but they do care and they do know. not the details but they know that i was. and not everyone but the select few i chose to tell. and having people care is awesome. even though it makes me tremendously uncomfortable and i want to run from it.
The sad fact is. he might not care though. in fact he probably doesn’t. i mean if [well not ‘if’ he did] er rather since he raped me that’s saying to me he doesn’t. i guess i just expect that people who’ve hurt me will care. about what they’ve done. and some of them do. but he’s the one person............
ya know i cared a lot more, about things, before i was raped. and then that stopped it got buried. it’s still there. i just idinno. it feels like it’s a lot to dig up. it feels like it’s a big thing to dig up. as it were. and in some ways i’ve dug up the small parts of it. it hasn’t become a tree yet i just have the petals. [er petals i meant leaves]
and at the end of this entry..............still haven’t cut.