rape. what i remember. *TW* in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

Please be careful when reading. There are details of my 2nd rape/sex abuse in this.

i remember........um. the size of him. not of um it but of him. he was a medium size guy. we were dating at the time although we never went out anywhere. we always stayed at my place. we were together for like a month. well i though we were together. but apparently that’s all he wanted to do was have sex w/ me. only. when i think of it in those terms. ‘we had sex’ that makes it sound consensual which it wasn’t cause he didn’t want to wait. he had birth control but i didn’t. er well i did but it didn’t work. i got partially checked for stds recently and i don’t have any far as i know.
i remember that it hurt. when he went deeper it hurt more. he didn’t ask if............

if i was ok or anything. no we didn’t have sex he fukin raped me! well the sex wasn’t consensual in other words. he pushed me into it cause he didn’t want to wait. i remember i bled. which i was embarassed by. after he’s like ‘it’s ok’. yeah it’s perfectly ok for you bc now you get to see the evidence! i washed my bed linens like a wk after. at the time. it was cause i didn’t want anyone finding out which is completely illogical since when i was 23 neither of my parents went into my place when i wasn’t there far as i know. but now looking back i think it also was cause. i wasn’t ready to talk about it. i think i wanted everything to go on as normally as possible. i don’t remember thinking that but it would make sense. it took me. untill the next yr. to realise what had happened. which is why i always think it’s been 4 yrs. since not 5. no it’s been 5 yrs. since it happened but 4 since i realised what’d happened.
when i was 24 um. i told. a guy i knew from the bar. i told him right outside the bar. not the details just that i had been. and he was so good about it. he’s like ‘i’m so sorry’. i met my ex that yr. in dec. anyway.
back to the night it happened. i remember........the lamp that was at the end of my bed. it’s one of those floor lamps black. and for the longest time after i didn’t like looking at it. where it was. at some point in time when i was still living at my place i moved the lamp and my bed.