how am i supposed to trust her? in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

well. i’m not really. i don’t trust amber not to threaten me again bc well based on past experiences. she’s the one who’s or who was all about me being honest w/ her which i’m not that open a person to begin w/ and then she goes and does something like this. i didn’t want her help to begin w/ i didn’t want 2, 3, 4 other people knowing my stuff. but now i really don’t. yeah so threatening me isn’t going to help me be honest w/ her. i thought i was meant to trust her and yeah maybe i was at one point. but not anymore.
and it’s not like i told her to threaten me. no far as i know she did that of her own volition.

yeah and see.....the thing of it is. i kindof feel this way. is just like w/ rape. no one wants to believe it happened to someone we know. i don’t want to believe i was threatened.
maybe. it wasn’t her job to i don’t know. but it doesn’t seem like amber even asked if i was ok. i know i’m just making this about me and her right now. and idk maybe it’s weird for me to think in some part of my mind she’d hypothetically go ‘hey so i just violated your human rights. are you ok?’. well even if she hadn’t asked well no i’m not fukin ok. wow that was honest. how the hell do you think i feel? people might ask and i might not tell them but also. there’s more than one way to communicate something. to someone. and i think they get that. evan asked. and when he asked i went ‘i don’t......know’. he’s the first person to acknowledge i might not be. but maybe that’s cause it’s a different dynamic. no it is cause it’s a different dynamic.

also. maybe not fighting her was safer, bc. i didn’t know what else she would’ve done. and. during the period of threats. it wasn’t my life it was hers. oh wow.

and. what if i don’t want to be pretty? when you’re pretty........these things happen. even though at the same time i know it doesn’t discriminate.

oh also. my life wasn’t mine. it was hers.