<<<< it's start.......... in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

like i put in my last entry it’s starting to become real. i’m starting to see her for who she really is. well. my version of who she really is which. might not actually be who she really is. amber i mean. i don’t even see her as. a staff member working for support or someone in the circle. and right now i don’t even want her to be in the circle. no i see her as the woman who hurt me. bc she did. by violating my rights and in that way she violated me. just not physically or sexually.
i don’t want this to become real but it is. i’ve spent so long running from things and i still want to w/ this. ya know cause it’s like pretty girls don’t get raped. we don’t get hurt in that way. or in other ways. but the reality of it is it does happen. regardless of looks or. gender or w/e. it rape..........hurting people in other ways. it doesn’t discriminate. it shouldn’t happen but it does. every single day. the statistics are. quite startling for some people. i won’t list them though i know what they are.
no, pretty girls. i’m sorry, ladies. are meant to be looked at and protected like those porcelain dolls but never played w/. which actually is the issue i have w/ amber. is on the other side of that. i felt like i was only allowed to be seen but never heard. and also. you can protect someone all you want to but things are still going to happen. and in the times she did..........i don’t want to think of her like this cause it’ll make it not as bad. and i want it to be ‘that bad’. and yet on the other side of that one. is. that. in the past i didn’t like that. no one was there during the ........the incidents of sex abuse except for me and the guys. well each time there was only me and 1 other guy. and the last time. i fukin tried. despite being almost too drunk stoned to move. but i fukin tried to get him to stop. he was the one who wouldn’t stop. he was the one who wouldn’t listen. and i had no choice but to listen to him. i was drunk/high...........i’m small. i didn’t make him not listen to me. no he chose to. er not to i mean. and that’ll really fuk someone up. well it has me anyway it does me.
it just feels like. w/ the whole amber thing no one stepped in untill now. including me. cause i’m not that open a person and also 2 cause i felt like i wasn’t allowed to say anything. and maybe w/ this new person i’ll feel like i am allowed i don’t know. maybe........maybe not right away but...........at some point. hopefully. or maybe not i don’t know. um.............or maybe that rule will still be the same regardless. but no one should have to live w/ that kind of fear.
i don’t like the fukin reality of this. that stuff like this happens. i ran for things for a reason. and the only reason i don’t drink that much right now is cause a; money and 2; i don’t want people getting more involved in that part of my life, so. drinkingis a way of running for me. if i chose to go to AA..........people would have to know where i’m going. there’s nothing wrong w/ people going to AA. or not going. but my privacy is that important to me. wow well that’s kindof sad]. um. oh right drinking and running and reality. were my points to this.