Feeling out of control in Rambling sane thoughts of the terminally me

All Stress is caused by feeling out of control.

I’m stressed right now. I’m also afraid. Not for myself so much (although I’ll admit a selfish element to the fear) as for my brother.

Danny was admitted to hospital on friday evening after suffering agonising pain in his chest and upper abdomen. He went to A&E and it quickly went from “trapped wind” to “we don’t know what it is” to “liver failure”.

He’s currently yellow enough to convincingly play pacman and we still don’t know what’s caused this. There’s two basic theories at the moment.

Hopefully it’s theory number one which is that he has developed a liver infection. This is what they’re treating at the moment and it makes as much good sense as anything can right now. Flush him with antibiotics and keep him hydrated and hopefully the liver will start to recover.

Option B is the worse of the two which is that it’s lifestyle related. That he did it to himself. Sadly, this option is equally likely. Danny has never had the healthiest lifestyle. He likes junk food and snacks and if he doesn’t eat vegetables with me then he won’t eat them. I’ve been spending more and more time with Kathleen so I haven’t been making as many meals at home. Danny is overweight and out of shape and to quote the Doctors “His liver is very fatty”.

If option B is what’s caused the problem the damage to his liver may well be permanent and he may need a transplant.

Either way his life is going to have to change drastically. He won’t be able to drink alcohol any more. He’ll have to have a very restricted diet. It could be weeks or months before he’s ready to go back to work and that’s a best case scenario.

I can’t stop thinking about the worst case scenario. I keep imagining having to tell my parents that my brother is dead. I can’t seem to drag my mind away from it. I’m trying to remain as upbeat as possible but it’s a genuine possibility and it’s a terrifying one. I can’t help him. There’s nothing that can be done by any of his family or friends.

He’s scheduled in for an MRI this week so hopefully they’ll know more then and till then he just has to keep his system flooded with fluids and stay in hospital. I wish they’d just do the damn test so we knew what we were dealing with. I’m scared for my brother and selfishly I’m scared for myself and what my life is going to be like if I lose him.