on the violation thing in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

again this is an awful feeling. i don’t know that i’m ok right now. bc of this.

so basically as i might’ve mentioned. yesterday for a short period of time i felt like amber forced me into doing something i’m not ready for. and yes although it all got worked out. it’s more about my feelings right now. and yeah i’m lucky it got worked out. er i mean that it worked out. and i know this bc. i’ve been in situations where no one’s done anything. and even when they did i wasn’t sober enough to let it happen, so. but anyway. i don’t want to talk about that right now.
i think. when alex my mom steph. us all were at the meeting yesterday. alex eluded to the fact that amber forcing me to sign the paper when i wasn’t ready to was a human rights violation. i’m fuzzy on the details. it was either that or something else that was a violation of human rights. i’ll ask my mom/alex. and that’s the part i don’t like. is w/e it was [and i wish i remembered right now bc it would help] that happened it apparently violated my human rights. which means to me that it violated me. and that’s not ok. i’ve felt like this for awhile about amber. that she’s not trying to control me and that i’m not even allowed to be listened to. and that i’m not allowed to have a say. and that the only thing i’m allowed to do is be seen and not heard. and part of that is my anxiety. and part of is that.um. i’m bringing my past into my future. i was watching tv online recently and one of the characters said don’t let your past dictate your future. and i think i do that a lot. but it’s hard not to. well for me it is.
it’s hard for me to believe. that i’m the er victim here. yes while i could’ve made different choices [or. not made the choices i did] that shouldn’t equate to amber having threatened me. should she have let me know what was going to happen yes yes she should’ve. but i don’t think she should’ve threatened me. and i don’t think that should’ve kept happening. i don’t want to believe i’m the victim cause it makes me feel weak. er ok rather. er no. and i don’t want to feel that way. but the reason i felt that way is cause i felt i wasn’t allowed to feel differently. and in a way i wasn’t. but she went about it completely the wrong way in my opinion. a way she never should’ve. and to me that’s not ok. to me it’s not ‘oh that’s ok she made a mistake’ [well yeah she did] ‘but it’s ok’. no cause it’s not. i don’t want to feel better about this right now. the only thing being this angry is doing is it’s giving me power. and that’s why i like being angry. sure other things i could do would give me power but they don’t mean as much so. won’t do them. i honestly don’t want her to have a say in this. bc i felt like she didn’t give me one. and even if she did i don’t want to think about that cause i’ll be less angry which like i said i don’t want. i’m ok w/ other people having a say just not her. she crossed a line that never should’ve been crossed. people make mistakes. but thing is. for the big things like this i don’t forgive them. well no esp. when it’s so new. i don’t particularly care if she understood it or not. cause yeah we all understand certain things we do are wrong but we still do them. i have.
i knew amber was threatening me. and my mom knew. my mom in fact has documentation of this in the emails exchanged between amber and my mom. and the meetings we were all at. so you know it’s not like i’m jus saying this stuff happened w/o any evidence to back that up. no i have fukin evidence. which is really my only point to this paragraph is that i have it.
a part of me. weirdly [or maybe not] wants to believe it didn’t happen. i don’t want to believe amber crossed that line. but she did that’s the reality of it whether i want to believe it or not. fact is. it happened.
someone shouldn’t take a beautiful delicate thing. who has thorns and has hurt people. and hurt that thing flower what have you. worse. that i mean wow. that’s sad. it makes me wonder. what i did. to bring on the threat. i don’t think people do things like that just for the hell of it. she let me know what was going to happen. and then. it turned into a threat. and there’s the line. the dividing line between threat and nonthreat. i know why she did it. but i don’t think she should’ve.
this is a lot. for me to process. it’s funny. she’s the one who says she’s all about health and safety. and then she goes and does something like this. and it makes me wonder about her. i’m not sure i believe that anymore if she were to tell me that again.