Life Never Gets Better in 2015

So I’m really upset with work.

I couldn’t go to the cast meeting (which was last Sunday morning) and apparently Melissa (the only supervisor I generally dislike working with) announced that she was moving to Chicago and her last day was in a week (as in, yesterday). So I’m thinking two things: one is that, OMG, a full time leadership position I can apply for ! And the second is, why did I bother talking to her and expressing my concern about her attitude towards me the day before I left to visit Virginia ?

So I worked a few days this past week, and on Monday I sort of asked Sadie if they were bringing someone in to take Melissa’s spot or if we could apply, being at the same store. She said she wasn’t yet sure.

Fast forward to Friday evening. I was in skincare most of my shift but Paige (who was hired the same time as I was) was at cashwrap, which I thought was odd. She hadn’t had a cashier shift in months. I just assumed she was called in. Then I was up at the registers again, watching while Jaime (one of our assistant managers) was doing a cash drop (taking boatloads of money out of the till, lol) WITH Paige. Cue confusion again. Paige was counting the money. THEN about an hour later, Paige gave me a Sephora buck (monopoly money we can exchange for extra gratis or other stuff), which is only done by leadership.

Yep, now I’m confused, and starting to feel anxious.

So long story short, I asked once the store closed. Paige got a promotion. Which really made me want to cry (I love Paige, she’s awesome, but that’s not the reason I felt so upset). If there are positions available in the store, they have always let us know. The last time a full-time position was open, I was also visiting my parents in Virginia back in March, but it was FT Skincare and I hadn’t really started my official training yet, so I felt I didn’t have a chance, anyway. But then I was talking with Monica yesterday (we trained together) and she said she had no idea if they ever publicly announced a new position. So maybe they approached Paige and asked if she wanted it ? Which just… REALLY upsets me because I have been waiting since f**king January to apply for a leadership position because we are not in good financial straits, but every time I’ve held more than one job, I get so stressed out I make myself sick. I just can’t do it. I don’t know, I don’t have the strength or fortitude and it makes me sound like a pathetic little dweeb but I just can’t do it. And my only experience is retail, and there are so many blue collar jobs here or medical jobs, and not much in between. I’m not going to be a nurse or a construction worker.

But the worst part is that, all this happened and I didn’t even have a clue. It’s not like I interviewed for it and lost it to Paige. It just HAPPENED. And to be honest, I got home and started bawling.

Then besides that, Cori left his wallet at home in VA and the postal service royally f**ked up in getting it to us (not only was it late, but they delivered it to the wrong place on Tuesday and “waived” the signature that mom paid extra for to have it required since it was such an important package–luckily the kid that got it gave it to us a couple days later).

And THEN also on Monday my $225 GHD straightener wouldn’t turn on or heat up, even after using different outlets and doing the test/reset thing. I saved money for months to get that thing. It was an investment, to be sure. I used to burn out the $30 Conair and Remington straighteners every 4-6 months so eventually I bought a $90 CHI that lasted me about 7 years. So all in all, I saved money. But eventually the CHI became unreliable–wouldn’t heat up in less than 15 minutes (normally took 60 seconds), sometimes wouldn’t heat up at all, frequently it would shut off after a couple minutes, etc… so in early 2013 I decided to set aside money for the next few months for a GHD. I finally bought one in October 2013 (right in the middle of my training at Benetton, the job from Hell). I loved it ! It weighed less than the CHI, heated up quicker, beeped when it was ready, had an auto shut-off, and didn’t catch strands of hair between the plates and break the strands, like my CHI sometimes did.

Anyway, I have long since lost the receipt, and since I now work at Sephora, I had Alex look it up and of course it’s been too long and nowhere to be found. I called the GHD helpline and she said a credit card statement would work, which I did have (even though it just has the amount I paid and when, not what I bought). And I registered the straightener a couple days after I bought it, so hopefully they had record of that, too. Well, I packed everything according to the instructions. I wrote legibly and clearly with a permanent marker and put transparent tape over it to protect it from smearing if the package got wet. And I sent it out via USPS because I have no idea where a UPS or FedEx is, and they are more expensive. And the GHD returns form only requested a tracking number–it didn’t say to only use a specific carrier.

Well, then on Friday (the day it was supposed to be delivered), the tracking number updated that it was “undeliverable as addressed.” And then it was in limbo. And then on Saturday I called the USPS help line and they don’t know where the package went.

So now, if they can’t find the package (which they are trying to do), I’m out about $240 anyway. And of course I can’t buy another, and I’m not wasting my money on a crappy cheap one from Target that I will DEFINITELY burn out in less than a year.

And all I can think is, of course this would happen to me. Will I die without a straightener ? No, of course not. Did we eventually get Cori’s wallet ? Yes. But these things, coupled with the realization that I’ve been waiting for months for a stable position at Sephora to open up and it was either given to Paige directly or I missed the entire thing (I was only gone a week !) has really just… really just made me depressed.

And then something happened at home that I haven’t mentioned, and won’t talk about here yet, but that upset me. And the more Cori and I talk, the more we feel that we shouldn’t have kids. We’re already 28 and 30 and while that’s technically young, at the point we’re at in our adult lives, we may as well be 22 and 24, which means we need another 3-7 years (depending) to get on our feet. And by that point, I will be 31-35, and I don’t want to have kids that late (if I can even have kids). And he will be 37. We don’t want to be old parents to young kids. And he wants things to be traditional. He wants me to have a nice ring, a small wedding (I think even if we literally invited everyone we could think of, we still wouldn’t have more than 50 guests and that’s a generous number). We need to pay off debt. We need to get Cori a newer, more reliable car. We want to buy a house that isn’t in shambles. And all these things will take time, and these are all things we want to do by the time we’re ready to have kids. But by that time, it’ll be too late.

And I never thought I would be upset about that. I was always upset that I may be infertile, but it’s only really occurred to me that we may not be able to have kids for other reasons. We want to be responsible and provide a stable home for a child, but if we are living in poverty, we can’t do that, and we aren’t knowingly going to bring a kid into the world if we are even slightly doubtful we can afford it.

And to top everything off, Heather’s baby shower is in about a month and Amanda and I plan on going. And while I’m incredibly happy for her and Chase (they had to do IVF due to Chase having had testicular cancer at 18 but the IVF succeeded on the first try) I can’t help but have these feelings of jealousy again that won’t go away. I’m always jealous. I’m always upset. I’m always anxious and frustrated. I’m always getting screwed. Even when I try to make my own opportunities, they end up putting me in a worse position than before. And at this point, I really am feeling suicidal. But Cori depends on me, and I can’t be so selfish. But I’ve had dreams and had scary moments when I’m awake. And I cry so much now. It didn’t used to be this way. And I’m so happy with Cori, but everything else is going to shit. I’m just so burnt out and without guidance I’m going nowhere. That’s the problem I’ve always had–I’m just the type of person that needs guidance, and when I don’t have it, that’s when things go down the toilet. I have never had any idea what to do with my life, and it’s not getting better.

On the plus side, Sherrie brought her two black labs, Caesar and Brutus, in to work yesterday (yes, into the store LOL) and I let them kiss me all over my face and that elevated my mood for a couple hours. I miss Evie. Heck, it’s been a year since my fish Francisco died and I even miss him. And you can’t pet a fish. :(

Last updated August 31, 2015