bittersweet dilemma in 2015

10:01pm

I’m feeling depressed today. And I’m having trouble putting words to the page. But I want to write this out, if only for records sake.

I went to the doctor the other day. Monday. For the first time in a couple years. I figured it was about time to get another checkup. I have insurance now and I was semi-concerned about my iron levels. Maybe I’ll post the whole doctor first meeting story at some point, but I’m not in the mood right now.

Anyway. I had to go back for an ultrasound today on my neck. The offices are about an hour away but we were going to be in town for a meeting on our big party next month. I switched the appointment to be the same day. I was supposed to go in for this ultrasound after my last appointment, which I just realized was actually in 2012. Except I didn’t have insurance and I’d already spent 1,000 dollars on a few blood tests and two appointments. Not having a stable job kind of puts a damper on the spending money thing. So I never went.

Honestly, I may be remembering this incorrectly, but it’s possible that I was supposed to go for one of these things way back when I was in college and first going through the mystery illness ordeal. hmm…

Well I went in, sat around, watched as the waiting room cleared out, and then was finally called back. The lady was super nice. She started telling me about how she was surprised to see my name because she used to have the same last name, and has a very similar first name. So we chatted a bit. She’d asked if I’d ever had an ultrasound and then tried to get me up on this weird cot thing. I’m pretty sure I almost folded it over on itself as I sat in the middle. hah. But I made it safely and she ended up moving me around to be in the right position. You kinda gotta lay weird to have your neck fully exposed. Which actually feels like a pretty vulnerable position. Good thing she was nice!

Although, she did get super quiet when she started rolling that machine around my neck. Maybe she was just concentrating, but it seemed like her demeanor changed a bit. I was only in there for about 15 minutes or so. She just snapped a bunch of pictures from all sides and cleaned me up when she was done. I’m not supposed to hear back from the doc until Monday, or she told me to call if nothing by Wednesday. She told me to have a great weekend and said that she didn’t see anything to be concerned about. This can mean two different scenarios: 1) she did see something but was saying that so I wouldn’t ruin my weekend by worrying, or 2) she really didn’t see anything and everything’s clear.

Which leads me to my bittersweet dilemma. I’ve seen doctor after doctor and had tons of tests. Everything keeps coming back clear/negative/normal. And I know what you’re thinking! Why is this crazy girl complaining about something like that? Well, something is very clearly wrong. My body’s not functioning the way it’s supposed to. No answers, or “good” answers, means that I’m back at square one. Again.

I’m running out of options. I don’t know who else to see, or what else to test. It’s terribly difficult/depressing to go see someone hoping for answers and then receiving nothing. An “all clear” feels like nothing after all these years. That’s all that keeps happening. And maybe this time won’t be the same. Maybe he’ll check something that everyone else has overlooked [he did call me today and say I have a very mild case of anemia, which I’m surprised isn’t worse. Iron supplements it is! But no other results…]

So I’m feeling totally disheartened. I mean, I like the negative answers, but that doesn’t get me any closer to figuring out what is going on inside of me. I’d rather know if I’m dying before I just keel over in the middle of the street. At least then I would know if it’s treatable. Or I might hear that it’s just another chronic condition I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. But having an answer would help me manage it. Right now, well, you can’t manage something that doesn’t exist. =\

We’ll see how it goes next week. I’m hoping to be able to get a copy of all the blood test results. I know he tested for more than the anemia, but he didn’t mention any of it and seemed in a hurry to get off the phone. I want to compare numbers to previous tests. I’m sure they’ll send me a copy or something so I’ll call on Monday.

Or maybe not Monday…I have jury duty. ugh. So many things in one month. I need a break already! No wonder my blood pressure is high…

rose.
11:13pm

Last updated August 11, 2015