over night in 2015

11:13pm

I want to write more. I don’t know what to say. There’s not much going on in my life. I mean, I could go over the day to day stuff but I don’t think it would be very interesting. Some days I work and some I don’t. Not much to it.

I’ve over-poured tonight though. So this may or may not make sense. Plus I watched a movie [the judge] and it brought up all kinds of things that had me in tears. darn my over emotional self…not really though. I’m ok with having too many emotions.

But it made me think about some things that I don’t want to talk about and it sorta made me lonely. I hate that though. I’m really not lonely. I don’t need anyone else to complete me. Sure, it would be nice to have someone around to hang out with and what not, but I don’t need them. My life’s not all about that. I’m doing alright on my own! I swear!

Some days I’m just so emotional though. And I’m in a bit of pain right now. Some sort of “flare up” or something. I’m not really sure what’s going on but I can’t explain it in any other way. I haven’t done anything differently. I’m living the same life, eating the same things, and nothing’s changed. So I don’t understand what’s happening but blaming it on some flare up seems to be the thing to do, so that’s how it goes.

I hate talking about this stuff. I figure it’s probably good to have record of it somewhere though. That my knees are super swollen and I believe it’s causing all the pain in my feet. A swollen ankle in what should be my “good foot” and some weird sole/toe pain in the bad one. My best guess is that all the swelling in the knees is actually causing the whole thing because of the tightened nerves/ligaments/whatever. It makes sense in my head.

And I don’t like to think about it too much because I just end up depressed and wondering what the heck is happening to me. Why I could be so broken. But I’m not going down that path tonight. I may, or may not, have had a few tears about it earlier and now I’m moving on. This can’t keep happening for the rest of my life. I won’t let it. So it is what it is.

No dwelling; just moving on.

Except I made the mistake of listening to Kevin Devine and he always reminds me of CK. I’m still constantly debating in my head about what I’d like to do if I ever run into him again. I see that he’s not very enthusiastic about keeping in touch with me, but I can’t stop comparing everyone.

I’d like to be all cool and normal if we ever meet again. Like no big deal, we can still be friends. Because I’ve always wanted to be friends with him. At the same time, I sorta see myself breaking down into tears and telling him how much it’s sucked to have him just disappear without warning. There are so many questions left unanswered. “Why’d you show up so much at work?” “Why’d you invite me over when I was ready to let go?” “Why did you keep dragging me down?” “How did you never notice what you were doing to me?!” =\

I guess it doesn’t matter though. If it ever does happen I’ll probably just go with the flow, maybe bite my tongue, and let it all play itself out. I mean, who am I to start confrontations? Who am I to ever put my feelings out into the world? I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I’m trying to get better. To build myself up physically and emotionally. I want to be strong and anti-fragile, and able to keep myself afloat. That sounds so perfect right now. If I can’t have you then I want to be the best of me. Although, I guess, I never really wanted you. hah. I just need to find a way to get comfortable in this skin. It’s one thing to talk about it, that’s an improvement, but I need to live it inside and out. And I know I’ll get there. Change doesn’t happen over night. You don’t go through this much and just flip a switch - it takes time. I’m willing to put in that time and the effort to make it all work out in the end. Because I know it will.

It always does. =)

rose.
11:40pm

Last updated August 28, 2015