San Francisco Newark in poetry

I’m afraid of the fact that I’m not afraid of flying anymore
I know this sounds like willful glib contradiction but it isn’t
flying makes me feel like I am goddamned nearly about to die
there is nothing natural about hurtling through the sky
in a metal tomb lofted by physical principles I do not understand
it’s not like I’m suddenly fearless
it’s not like second-puberty has rendered me
some kind of stiff-lipped manly man
I still think I’m going to die
every second that I fly
it’s just I’m not so afraid of dying anymore
that’s what scares me

I’m more afraid of no one ever hiring me again
I’m more afraid of losing the patience of my friends
I’m more afraid of being yelled at by my family
of never finding someone new to love me
of being hounded down by creditors
than dying in an airplane
an airplane crash, Christ
in ways it would be nice
that’s what scares me

a neat and tidy excuse for my failures and my loneliness
one bright flash and an end to my responsibilities
a legacy of “he was just so close” mythologies
to be promligated by those who thought well of me
escape from all this no-thank-you life
into the heaven of what-ifs
where the lost best-case-scenarios
are what I could be judged by
by others and
in my dying burning breaths
by myself
that’s what really scares me
not being afraid of that anymore

not that I am suicidal
I’m a pain averse coward anyway
my gout flares up a little you should see me
limping gritting my teeth like a goddamned baby
I’m never harm myself
I am blessed by that cowardice
but

if fate were to release me by no fault of my own
from this feeling of an empty future in my bones
I dunno
I’m not afraid of that
and
this realization scares me shitless, really

Last updated August 12, 2015