stability in --

It’s difficult for someone like me to choose stability.

I choose to be stable everyday, and it’s always a battle. People like me, who grow up with not-so-stable circumstances learn to be unstable. We are always trying to find balance within ourselves, and how we fit into the world. We never feel like we do. It’s a life full of reflection and self-awareness.

If I didn’t choose to be stable, then I’d end up with what I know: chaos. And that’s the last thing I, or my family, needs. I always wanted to break free from what I knew, but it’s hard to when you don’t know any other way.
It is a difficult feeling, knowing that I have the power to create chaos in an otherwise stable environment for everyone around me. It’s frightening. I have to keep this chaos bottled up in a cobwebbed compartment of my brain.

I know sadness. I know melancholia best. But it’s not what I want for myself.

I always thought that when I was an adult, I’d just be happy. That I would be content, and it would be easy so as long as I wasn’t a kid anymore and I had a family of my own. But I’m finding that was wrong. It’s a feeling in me that must be maintained, and strove for. I am not naturally a calm, content person. My brain hasn’t been wired that way. It’s a choice that I decide.

It’s a good feeling that I’m breaking the cycle. I hope that I do, forever. But it will never be easy.