the psychology of downtown guy. and what happened. in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done.

this might’ve come up a few times over the course of my time blogging since i’ve started.

ya know i think. a part of me wanted to have that figure being that my dad i haven’t been close in. a long time. the father figure thing. the last time we had dinner together just us was when i was in college. i won’t have dinner w/ just him. and so. since downtown guy was quite a bit older than i was. well by giving me the gmmy worms i saw that as him. taking care of me. the way a dad’s supposed to. of course i won’t let anyone [well ok not ‘anyone’. like 6 people one of whom isn’t here anymore and one is my ex, so. and one’s in michigan] take care of me. it doesn’t feel nice it feels annoying. it feels like i’m incompetent. w/ everyone else. when they do it. er. were they to. i saw that part of what a dad’s supposed to do in downtown guy. * yeah but. my dad knows he should and he would. but i won’t let him. it’s not like ‘no i’m not going to’.
my ex took care of me. when we were together. well i guess they’re supposed to. well they should. but he also. abused me. it’s hard for me to see him as completely one or the other bc well he’s not. he’s both. if he were just some random guy........ but he’s not. my dad the one time we talked about it [i was like 13 at the time this was back before any of this happened] didn’t do a v. good job of telling me that even people you know can abuse you. and use your past against you. yeah i understand people fuk up i just don’t forgive them for it. not for the big things like that. i like the power that anger brings. a lot of people don’t and that’s ok.
um. i was trying to communicate in some way to someone that. i was hurt by what my mom had said. she um basically inferred she didn’t care what i did w/ my life. and it’s like you don’t care ok. well then neither do i. i don’t care why she said it [also i already know why so. don’t need to be told] she shouldn’t’ve. the point isn’t why she said it and i’m not going to make that the point. and i. i shouldn’t’ve done what i did. i’ve done a whole helluva lot worse though. which i won’t detail i’m jus sayin.
i know i made the choice to do that but she made the choice to do that to me. er to say that to me i mean.
i don’t want advice or anything.